Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back to his place for a "good time."
- Look, - says the woman - what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!
- OK, - replies Joe - so how many does it take?
In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was! She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.
- I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?
- For about 60 years.
- 60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?
- I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.
- How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?
- Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.
How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
Visual joke: Stand with both arms outstreached level with your shoulders.
Ask: "what's this?" - A really crappy way to spend Easter.
The Pope calls a meeting of all the cardinals. When they have all assembled at the Vatican, he takes them into the meeting hall and states:
- I have some really fantastic news and some very terrible news.
Of course, all the cardinals want to hear the good news first, so the Pope tells them:
- Jesus Christ has returned to the world. The time of judgement is at hand, and our faith in his existence is justified.
After the commotion dies down a bit, one of the cardinals speaks up, asking what the terrible news is. The Pope replies:
- He was calling from Salt Lake City.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
Amen
The girl knelt in the confessional and said:
- Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
- What is it, child?
- Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am.
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said:
- My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake.
There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard some noise, so he looked inside, and lo and behold there was an Indian down in the hole.
- How long have you been down there? - the cowboy said.
- Many moons - the Indian replied.
A guy was in a bar, and asked for some milk. So in turn a pregnant topless dancer got on the bar and squeezed the milk out of her tits. He looked at this and said to himself, "I would hate to see how they give out bloody Mary's."
An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life succinctly. "When it all boiled down to the essence of truth," the philosopher said, "one just live by a dog's rule of life: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!!!"
