Worst jokes

Have you ever wondered why you wonder why?

I used to wonder why, but now I don't wonder why I wonder why.

I wonder why I don't wonder why anymore?

There were these three morticians talking about their greatest feats. The first one says, "I had this soldier who stepped on a land mine. Took me three days to get him ready for an open casket funeral!!" The next guy says, "oh yeah? I had this construction worker fall 15 stories, then he got run over by a steam roller, but I had him ready for an open casket funeral in two days!!!" The third guy sulks in the corner, "man. both y'all got me beat. I had this lady parachutist who landed on the empire state building. it took me four days just to get the grin off her face."

A pedophile dies in a car crash and goes to heaven. He's stopped at the pearly gates by St. Peter, who is really miffed:

- You swine. How can you have the audacity to try and enter heaven after you have lead such a perverted, ungodly life. Do you think you have a snowballs chance in hell of meeting god?

- Fuck God... I'm after the baby Jesus.

Why are there so many Jones's in the phone book?
→ Because they all have phones.

What is the rallying cry of the International Dyslexic Pride movement?
→ Dyslexics Untie!

A woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again tips it down her skirt.

Finally, the barman says:

- Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?

- Well - the chick replies - I've just won the lottery and this is the only arsehole I'm shouting!

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
→ A pool table.

What would Princess Diana be doing right now if she were alive today?
→ Scratching on the lid of her casket.

What's the difference between a policeman's knightstick and a magician's wand?
→ A Magician's wand is for cunning stunts.

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. The owner replied:

- I have good news and bad news.

- The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.

- That's wonderful - the artist exclaimed.

- What's the bad news?

"The guy was your doctor."