HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me:
- You're next. They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Dear [Name],
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.
Check those that apply...
- Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
- Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
- The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
- Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
- You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
- Your constant emailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
- Your legs are skinnier than mine.
- You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
- You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
- You have a hairy back.
- I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
- The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
- The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
- You still live with your parents.
- Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
- Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
- Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
- Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
- Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
- I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
→ When her favorite sexual position is "next door"
On his way out of church, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. "Would it be right," he asked, "for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?" "Absolutely not!" replied the pastor. "In that case," said the young man, "I wonder if you'd consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July."
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, ...it's up to you!"
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.
- Get over it, buddy, - he said:
- It's not the end of the world. - It's all right for you to say, - answered his buddy:
- But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife? The fella ponders for a moment, then says:
- I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.
A stockbroker catches his wife in bed with another man.
He says to her:
- What's going on?
She says:
- Believe it or not, John, I've gone public!
If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?
My wife and I are into S & M
She Sleeps and I masturbate
A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.
- Nothing, - said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again:
- Seriously, what's wrong?
- Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
- Why should I? - he said:
- Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift.
- Yes, - she said:
- but I'm their real mother.
