Worst jokes

- Will the father be present during the birth? - asked the obstetrician.

- Nah, - replied the mother-to-be:

- He and my husband don't get along.

Conversation over dinner:

- Woman: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

- Man: Definitely not!

- Woman: Why not - don't you like being married?

- Man: Of course I do.

- Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

- Man: Okay, I'd get married again.

- Woman: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

- Man: (makes audible groan)

- Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

- Man: Where else would we sleep?

- Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?

- Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

- Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

- Man: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

- Woman: - - - silence - - -

- Man: Oh Shit.

A child at a Christian school was studying the early days of Mormonism in his class. He wrote on his paper, "The early Mormons believed in having more than one wife. This is called polygamy. But we believe in having only one wife. This is called monotony"

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over. Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone." "I am!!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. - HA! - he snorted:

- The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest! On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward:

- There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!

- That's not your chest! - he roars back.

- Damn right it's my chest! - she argued.

- Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest....

AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...

IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.

With a low voice he sad to his wife:

- Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones.

- Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you! - Maude replies.

- But I want you to, Maude.

- But why? - Maude asks.

- Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!

A girl runs home to her mother crying:

- I can't marry Joe! He's an atheist! He doesn't believe in God or Jesus or anything!

- Don't worry, Honey, - said her mom.

- But Mom, he doesn't even believe in Hell!

- Don't worry, Honey, - repeated her mom:

- you marry him...and we'll convince him!

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
→ Outlaws are wanted.

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her 15th child. "Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?" The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only vacation I get each year."

- I was in a very generous mood today, - a woman says to her friend.

- I gave a poor beggar $25.

- Thats a lot of money to give away, - says her friend:

- What did your husband say?

- He said, 'Thank you'.