- Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a minute ago, and he splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch! Then he splashed some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!
- My boy, you've witnessed a miracle! What happened then?
- He fell on his ass Father he's a cripple you know!
There was a large nuclear accident and one of the worlds largest cities was totally destroyed. There were millions of people dead it was a real tragedy.
With that many people of course things got backed up at the pearly gates, where they have to interview everyone. The people were lined up for miles. Then at the front of the line a large cheer went up, and there was much rejoicing. Of course the people at the back of the line were curious about what was happening. Finally one man stepped out and called toward the front of the line:
- what's going on? Someone called back:
- They ain't gonna count fucking.
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
- Who is it? - calls one of the nuns.
- Blind man - replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
- Nice tits - says the man.
- Where do you want these blinds?
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked:
- What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it. The teacher answered quickly:
- That would be the Titanic. St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:
- How many people died on the ship? Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered:
- about 1,500.
- That's right! You may enter.
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer:
- Name them.
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says:
- We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks:
- Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?
The old man replies:
- No problem at all, Pastor.
- Congratulations! Welcome to the church. - said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks:
- Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?
The man replied:
- The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it.
- Congratulations! Welcome to the church. - said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks:
- Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?
- Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks - the young man replied.
- What happened? - inquired the pastor.
- My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.
- You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church - stated the pastor.
- That's OK - said the young man.
- We're not welcome at Safeway anymore, either.
Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
A Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg who many years ago was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort - one that did not admit Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said:
- Sorry, no room. The hotel is full. The Jewish lady said:
- But your sign says that you have vacancies. The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly:
- You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town... Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeable and said:
- I'll have you know I converted to your religion. The desk clerk said:
- Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test. How was Jesus born?
Mrs. Rosenberg replied:
- He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem.
- Very good - replied the hotel clerk.
- Tell me more.
Mrs. Rosenberg replied:
- He was born in a manger.
- That's right - said the hotel clerk.
- And why was he born in a manger?
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly:
- Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church:
- Reverend, I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do? - she said.
- I have an idea - said the minister.
- Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.
In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. - And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice for you? - he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
- Jesus! - Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
- Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones - said the minister. Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.
- Who is your redeemer? - he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
- God! - Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
- Right again - said the minister, smiling. Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked:
- And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his last son?
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled:
- You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!
Lord,
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And, help me to be careful
Of the toes I step on today as they
May be connected to the ass
That I might have to kiss tomorrow.
Amen.
Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three:
- Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???
Goldblum shuddered.
God went on:
- I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!
Goldblum sighed with relief.
- Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?
Bauman hung his head in shame.
- Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions.
Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.
Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says:
- You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying....
- Closed for the Holiday !!!
