Worst jokes

What's black and white and red all over?
→ A nun in a car accident.

What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
→ Dress her up as an altar boy.

What was the first thing Adam said to Eve?
→ "Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow !"

The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"

A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.

Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. The pastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the pastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sending his rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach.

As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out:

- Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord please make this bear a Christian

Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep and said:

- God bless this food which I am about to receive!

God created the mule, and told him:

- you will be Mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years.

The mule answered:

- To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him:

- you will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.

And the dog responded:

- Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 10 years.

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him:

- You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years.

And the monkey responded:

- Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him:

- You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.

And the man responded:

- Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.

And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says:

- Sir, have you been drinking?

And the minister says:

- Just water.

The sheriff says:

- Then why do I smell wine?

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says:

- Good Lord, He's done it again!

The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said:

- GOD will save me.

The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everything to the second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save him. Again he said:

- GOD will save me.

Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and yet again he said:

- GOD will save me.

It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man died and went to heaven. He confronted God with:

- Why didn't you save me, GOD?

And God said:

- I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did you stay in the house?

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.

As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says:

- Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time.

Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed:

- You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?

The Lord sighed, and said:

- No, I guess not.

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked:

- Why did you let him do that?

The Lord smiled and replied:

- Who's he going to tell?