Worst jokes

If fathers have Father's Day, and mothers have Mother's Day, what do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday.

Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things?

- He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple

- Two calves that will never become cows

- A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere

- A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything

- Twenty nails that won't hold a board

- A chest that won't hold linen

- Two boobs that won't give milk

- Two buns that won't feed anyone

- A belly button that won't button

- Two balls that won't roll

- An ass that won't pull a plow

- An organ that won't play music

- A cock that won't crow

Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
→ It changes their blood type.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
→ 1. No mind 2. No business.

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says:

- I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam.

The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says:

- Not big enough.

She brings out a bigger one. He says:

- Still not big enough.

She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says:

- Still not big enough.

She says:

- Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?

The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers" - those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday

Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.

Wednesday

Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at El Flasho's
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps

Thursday

Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbombers sack for leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask the bartender for olives.

Friday

Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday

Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday

Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting your old room.

If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
→ Both of them.

Whats the difference between pink and purple?
→ Your grip.

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"