Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself? Does it spoil the fun? I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.
Apparently, just to anger him.
A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.
- They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator - she cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."
The following supposedly a true story.
This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said:
- Because I don't believe you are over 21.
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3.
They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4.
- What do you think? - one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said:
- I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my daughter in Columbia.
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said:
- Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again.
John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer:
- Is there a problem, Officer?
- No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?
John thought for a minute and said:
- Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license.
Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman:
- Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's just a wise guy when he's drunk and stoned.
Brian from the back seat said:
- I told you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said:
- Are we over the border yet?
Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod). When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him.
- So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?
- Not scared ... - Benny growled.
- been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now
- Oh yeah? ... so ...?
- Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it - Benny explained.
Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.
- And since dat time I gotta do it dis way.
- But WHY?! - Louie finally demanded.
- Well, I was at da wedding - grumbled Benny.
- and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...
- Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. The jailbird said to the fly:
- When you and I get out of here, we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.
Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate. At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking. He said to the bartender:
- What about this fly, eh?
In one swift motion, the bartender reached for his copy of the newspaper THE EDMONTON SUN, rolled it up and squished the fly with a mighty swipe. - Glad you saw it - muttered the bartender.
- Blasted things are everywhere.
A lady was filling her tank at a gas station, smoking a cigarette, even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignited, severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her arm, too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it out, she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her arm, but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire out, then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop her, the officer said:
- My only thought was to stop her. After all, she was waving a fire-arm.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:
- Jesus is watching you!
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
- Jesus is watching you - the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot:
- Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?
- Yes - said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot:
- What's your name?
- Clarence - said the bird.
- That's a dumb name for a parrot - sneered the burglar.
- What idiot named you Clarence?
The parrot said:
- The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus.
