Worst jokes

Little Tommy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

- Yes - said the policeman.

- the detectives want him very badly.

So Little Tommy asked, while tugging on the man's belt:

- Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?

After shopping in a mall, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.

The note reads:

- I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading:

- Well, you still have your car. I have to put my kid through college somehow, don't I?

Ten Signs The Police Chief Hates You

10. He sends you on drug raids....alone.
11. He refers to you as "Our Little Mascot."
12. The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
13. Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
14. He always tells you that only wimps call for back-up.
15. He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
16. He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.
17. He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
18. You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
19. Your locker is also the broom closet!!

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.

After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little.

The gentleman said:

- Stop or slow down, what's the difference?

The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said:

- Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand.

Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers:

- What is this?

to which lawyer number one replies:

- It's that $50 I owe you.

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked:

- Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?

- That it is - Irish Mike replied grimly.

- ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball.

- You mean you pinched his honor? - asked Pat.

- How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume? - demanded Mike.

- Well - mused Pat.

- there's a lesson in this somewhere.

- That there is - replied Irish Mike.

- 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked:

- Son, do you have a last request?

To which the man replied:

- Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?

- Certainly - replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked:

- Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?

- Please - said the condemned man.

- kill me first.

A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked:

- Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?

- Ever go a fishin'? - the policeman suddenly asked the man.

- Ummm, yeah... - the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added:

- Did you ever catch 'em all?

St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up.

- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

- I was a policeman - he responded.

- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.

- I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.

- Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.

A few moments later a second man walks up.

- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

- I was a policeman - he responded.

- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.

- I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.

- Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise.

A few moments later a third man walks up.

- Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?

- I was a policeman - he responded.

- What kind of policeman? - St Peter asked.

- I was a Military Policeman, Sir.

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.

The doctor said:

- Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000.

The client asked:

- What? How's that possible?

The doctor replied:

- You see, it's totally unused.