Worst jokes

What's the difference between condoms and coffins?
→ They both hold something stiff but one's coming and one's going!

Did you hear about the hooker that had her appendix taken out?
→ Now she does business on the side!

- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

- Mum: Well, you have done the right thing.

- Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

- Jay: Does the Bible say that if you smoke you can't get to heaven?

- Ted: No, but the more you smoke the quicker you'll get there.

What did the normal baby say to the test tube baby?
→ Ha..ha... your dad's a jerk off!

Why does Helen Keller wear tight pants?
→ So people can read her lips.

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.

The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"

One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that shit?"

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.

Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.

"Fuck me," shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.

"What the fuck are you doing that for?" says Smartie.

"That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I'm hiding from him," says Polo.

"You should stand up to him," says Smartie. "He'll respect you more if you do."

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.

"Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I'll knock the fucking shit out of you," says Polo.

"Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink?" says Humbug.

"Told you so," says Smartie.

The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in walks Humbug with his mate, Tune.

"Fuck me," shouts Polo again diving under the table.

"What the fuck are you doing that for again?" says Smartie.

"I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune," says Polo.

"So what?" says Smartie.

"He's fucking menthol," says Polo.

A pizza was waiting in the stomach to be digested, then suddenly a whiskey came along. Pizza thought: "Ok. I'll let him pass, there's no hurry." Two minutes later another whiskey comes by and pizza let him pass too, but two minutes later when the next one got there, pizza stoped him: "What's going on out there?" it asked. "Why, there's a party going on!! It's great! They're having the most fun!!" the whiskey replied.

And pizza said: "Great, I'll go check it out!"

After a long pubcrawl those two guys discuss wether the moon is red or green. Since they can't come to a conclusion they go searching a cop. Finally they find one and ask him: "Please, officcccer, could you tell us if the moon is red or green?" The cop looks up and asks back: "The left or the right one?"