The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design, does it also come in men's sizes?"
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.
The deep voice says: OPEN!
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.
The deep voice says: ROULETTE!
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
The deep voice says: 27!
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.
The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: SHIT!
- Attorney to witness: And where was the location of the accident?
- Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
- Attorney: And where is milepost 499?
- Witness: About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.
Why is urine yellow and sperm white?
→ So men can tell if they are coming or going.
What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turn into a roastbeef sandwich and a sixpack.
What's the white stuff you find in the bottom of girls' undies?
→ Clitty litter.
Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that you would offend the person standing near you?...
NOT. Well, if you are, then here are some alternatives to some popular phrases.
I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.
She is not: An airhead
She is: Reality Impaired
She is not: A Bleached Blonde
She is: Peroxide Dependant
She is not: A babe or chick
She is: A Breasted American
She does not have: Major league hooters
She is: Pectorally Superior
She does not have: A Great Tan
She is: Pigmentally Enhanced
You do not want to: Score or pick her up
You want to: Attempt a Horizontal Encounter
She is not: A perfect 10
She is: Numerically Superior
She does not have: A great butt
She has: A Superior Posterior
If she does not want to get: Married or hitched
She does not want: Domestic Incarceration
She is not: Half naked
She is: Wardrobe Impaired
She does not have: A perfect body
She is: Anatomically Gifted
She is not: Drunk or tipsy
She is: Chemically Inconvenienced
She is not: Small or short
She is: Vertically Challenged
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.
He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"
A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
- What's the matter with me? he asks the doctor.
- You're not eating properly.
What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
→ A tea bag.
