Worst jokes

These are fabricated corporate slogans that would never have made if far if they entered the real world.

Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"
MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."
Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid!"
Iguana: "The other green meat."
Nike: "Just buy the shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"
Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."
Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes!"
Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"
Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"
Professional Bowling on NBC: "Oh, why don't you just go ahead and kill yourself instead?"

From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75

Found on the seal of a bag of bagels:
NEW IMPROVED Made the old fashioned way

Sign in a restaurant:
"We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone."

Heard on a radio station:
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
→ "He's a real fun guy [fungi]."

Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
→ Just spell "Evian" backwards!

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore. His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

- Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink - she suggested smiling.

- Good idea - says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

- If there's anything else you'd like just call - says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath. A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.

- What the heck is that for? - asks the husband snappily.

- Oh Darling, says the wife, flustered, I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

- Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

- Patient: Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time.

The Doctor nods.

- Doctor: Hmm.

- Patient: My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?

- Doctor: Hmm.

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription. The patient is thrilled.

- Patient: Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?

The Doctor sighs.

- Doctor: No. The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test.

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. She always complained:

- You'll fart your guts out one of these days,

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. The old man says:

- You was right all along Missus,

- I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word "definitely" in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies:

- Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?

The Teacher says:

- Of course not Johnny,

To which Johnny replies:

- Then I have definitely s**t my pants.

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People." This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.

You've been programming too long when...

- When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

- When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

- When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

- When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

- When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

- When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

- When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

- When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

- When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

- When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said:

- I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.