Worst jokes

A young woman said to her doctor:

- You have to help me, I hurt all over!

What do you mean? - said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled:

- Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled:

- Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts!"

The doctor asked the woman:

- Are you a natural blonde?

Why yes, - she said.

I thought so, - said the doctor.

- You have a sprained finger.

Two condoms were walking past a Gay bar.

One looks at the other and says...:

- You wanna go in and get shit faced?

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said:

- don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor.

Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said:

- no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem.

The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said:

- its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine.

Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was...:

- Why don't we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!

The Lord spoke to Noah and said:

- Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.

And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.

"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where is My ark?" A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the ark's construction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system."

"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board."

"Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Ministry of Natural Resources that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls."

"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind."

"Just when the suit got dismissed, Environment Canada notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being."

"Then, the Conservation Authority wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!"

"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to hire."

"Revenue Canada has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the province that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I don't think I can finish the ark in less than five years."

With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord, "the government already has!"

Wouldn't it be great if men were made by Kodak!

- They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.

- You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.

- They last longer and come with a warranty.

- You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.

- They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.

- They come in fashion colors.

- You can keep them in maximum zoom.

- They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.

- The parts that count are portable.

- They don't mind over-exposure.

- They respond to the slightest touch.

- The one you want is available at a KMART near you

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said:

- Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.

He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked -- the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when he walked in, the proprietor said:

- Ah ha! You came back to pay the $1,000 for the story, right?

'Nope,' replied the man, 'Just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!'

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying. "What happened...why are you crying?"

The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she was crying?

This time the blonde replies hysterically... "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"

The top 10 inventions by Blondes:

1. The water-proof towel
2. Solar powered flashlight
3. Submarine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedal-powered wheel chair
10. Water-proof tea bag

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out:

- Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!

A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. She looks at the bulletin board and sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$".

She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper.

The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.

The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stands up and knocks the blonde unconcious.

When the blonde wakes up, she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea, when all of a sudden she sees one of her friends, (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her.

The blonde she looks at her freind and says:

- So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?

And the other blonde replies:

- They didn't serve any last year?