During a recent vacation in Atlantic City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out:
- Hey, how'd you do that?
- I could tell you, madam - the magician answered - But then I'd have to kill you.
After a short pause, she yelled back:
- Ok, then... Just tell my husband!
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls:
- Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply:
- Yes I have a phone.
The driver of the Yugo says:
- Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says:
- Yes, I have a refrigerator.
The driver of the Yugo says:
- That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says:
- Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!
The driver of the Yugo says:
- Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
- I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce - the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said:
- You got me out of the shower for that!
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted:
- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife!
I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his ample stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I quipped:
- I don't think that is going to help much, hon?
- Sure it does - he said.
- How else can I can see the numbers!
Mr. Smythe had been giving his second-grade students a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time...
- Class - said he - My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick up things.... What am I?
A little boy on the front row said:
- You're a mother!
Investigating a purse snatching, Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an I.D. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted:
- Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.
Elsewhere...
In Nashville, they tell of Fred "Bubba" Johnson, the burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police. Meanwhile...
In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran -- but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall... Unplugging it, he tried again, but a regular diner decked him and called police. And...
In Rhode Island, cops were sure they had the right guy when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts proceeded to pay his $400 bail...entirely in quarters. Stranger yet....
Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. When asked about his choice of attire, he said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable. . .
In the Heartland...
Lawrence, Kansas - Officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes. . .
And Finally. . .
In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid I.D. in a 7-Eleven robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front. . .
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a highly agitated, arrogant little man who ran a small business that he had started from scratch.
- I need someone with an accounting degree - the man said.
- But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me.
- How's that? - the would be accountant asked.
- I worry about a lot of things - the man said.
- But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back.
- I see - the accountant said.
- And how much will my position pay?
- I'll start you at eighty five thousand - responded the owner decisively.
- Eighty five thousand dollars! - the accountant exclaimed.
- How can such a small business afford a sum like that?
- That - the owner said - is your first worry. Now get to fuckin' work!
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help.
A local fisherman ran up. The man gasped:
- My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars.
The fisherman dived into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.
Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said:
- Okay, buddy, where's my hundred?
The man said:
- Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law.
The fisherman reached into his pocket and said...
- Just my luck! So tell me, what do I owe you?
The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.
A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:
- Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like:
- We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said:
- I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!
