Worst jokes

More goofy excuses you can use to get out of going somewhere you just don't wanna go to.

I'D LOVE TO BUT......

- I have to go to court for kitty littering.

- I have to jog my memory.

- I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.

- I have to rotate my crops.

- I have to sit up with a sick ant.

- I have to stay home and see if I snore.

- I have to study for a blood test.

- I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.

- I prefer to remain an enigma.

- I think you want the OTHER (fill in your name here).

- I'm going to be old someday.

- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.

- I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.

- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.

- I'm trying to cut down.

- I'm up to my eardrums in waxy buildup.

- I've been traded to Cincinnati.

- My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.

- my favorite commercial is on TV.

- My uncle escaped... again.

- Oooo, having fun gives me prickly heat.

- adenoids.....(n) Space critters whut are keepin' Elvis alive on Pluto

- anasthesia...(n) Rushun princess y'all red 'bout in skool.

- antacid......(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz.

- bowel........(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why?

- bronchitis...(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked.

- catscan......(v) lukin' fer hookers (don y'all do this)

- cauterize....(v) makin' eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous)

- d & c........(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live.

- emema........(n) sumone who ain't never no frend no how

- fester.......(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee)

- genital......(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee

- heart........(v) when u cauz pain to some1

- hypodermic...(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter

- mamogram.....(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female

- papsmear.....(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy

- recovery.....(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur

- rectum.......(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk

- seizure......(n) Emperore of Rome.

- series.......(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

- testicles....(n) books of the Bible

- tumor........(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call

- urine........(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks...

DOH!

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

- I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

- I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation.

Woo-hoo...check out these letters from tenants to landlords!

- The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

- Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant. . . .

- The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

- Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.

- I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

- This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

- The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

- I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

- Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

- Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

- Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

- Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

- He: I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today

- She: But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear.

- He: OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?

- She: Well, the air bag works...

A gal comes in for her interview with the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive her application.

As the executive begins to scan her resume, he notices that she has been fired from every job she's ever held.

- I must say - says the executive - your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job.

- Yes - says the lady.

- Well - continues the executive - there's not much positive in that.

- Well - says the woman as she pokes the application.

- At least I'm not a quitter!

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.

- Please - protested the college President - you already make more than the entire History department.

- Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with - the coach blustered.

- Look.

He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway.

- Run over to my office and see if I'm there - he ordered.

Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath.

- You're not there, sir - he reported.

- Oh, I see what you mean - conceded the President, scratching his head.

- I would have phoned.

My phone bill was past due and I needed to change my service, so I had to visit the local Bell Atlantic Office. The line wasn't clearly formed, and there was an old man with a cane nearby me.

I wasn't really sure who was next and when we got to the front of the line, the man gestured to me and said:

- After you.

I smiled at him and said:

- No, please, after you. I have all day.

Then he shook his head sadly and repeated:

- No, sonny, you go on ahead. My doctor says I have at least six months.

- Plan ahead... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

- Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

- Don't listen to critics - do what must be done.

- Build on high ground.

- For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

- Two heads are better than one.

- Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board... but then so were the turtles.

- Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

- Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

- When things get really deep, don't sit there and complain--shovel!

- Stay below deck during the storm.

- The ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

- If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

- Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

- Don't miss the boat. Repeat... Do NOT miss the boat...

- No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the horizon.