Worst jokes

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

- Listen up! - Noah said with a demanding voice.

- There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back.

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

- Quick! - he said. - Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said:

- Sorry, no land yet.

- Darn it! - exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked:

- What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?

- LOOK! - said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper... - I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

- Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says:

- What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?

- The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the Cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk, and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on, Mister..."

"Sheriff?"

"Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff... I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

"And that cures them?"

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em!"

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? ***** Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose ... it's how drunk you get. ***** Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. ***** It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day. ***** Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No! Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal! Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa. A wonderful... magical animal. ***** Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper? Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren? Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper! Homer: Oh, now who's being naive? ***** Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive? Marge: That's because you were drunk! Homer: And how! ***** Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is. ***** Operator! Give me the number for 911! ***** Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss? Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes! ***** Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here? Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge. Homer: Ummm... revenge? Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step step step...slam) ***** Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer. Homer's Brain: It's a deal! ***** Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner! Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture? ***** Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer) ***** Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse. Homer: Ooo, that's bad. Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt! Homer: That's good! Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed. Homer: That's bad. Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings! Homer: That's good! Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate... Homer: (confused look) Old man: That's bad. Homer: Can I go now? ***** Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races. ***** Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology. Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated. Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology. Homer: Okay, I will! ***** Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy. ***** Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"? Homer: No! I swear on this bible! Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples. Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy. ***** Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad! Homer: Did you wreck the car? Bart: No. Homer: Did you raise the dead? Lisa: Yes. Homer: But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh. Homer: All right then. ***** Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat... ***** (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch). ***** What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.

At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that won't feed you fast enough.

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.

Cats don't hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they don't, so that's all right.

Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Cats know what we feel. They don't care, but they know.

Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.

I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

On the Internet, nobody knows you're a cat.

One cat just leads to another.

People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.

There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.

When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.

You can always tell a cat, but you can't tell him much.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Neither could the blondes.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off.

Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

Why did the blonde scale the glass wall? A: To see what was on the other side.

Why did the blonde want to become a veterinarian? A: Because she loved children.

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor ?? A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

You just might be a Redneck if:You've ever tried to drown a fish. You can yell to your mom, "Hey, Aunt Betty!" Your kids fight with the dogs for their dinner. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. Your mother has been involved in a fist-fight at a high school sports event. None of your shirts cover your stomach. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. Your family tree does not fork. Your baby's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers." You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window. The fifth grade is referred to as " your senior year." Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end." You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day. Your two-year-old has more teeth than you do. You have ever been accused of lying through your tooth. Your underwear doubles as your bathing suit. You let you kid pee in the parking lot at K-Mart.

Here's a little bit-a-dis and a little bit-a-dat:How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan. ===========================Why don't Italians have acne? It slides off. ==========================Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong! ==========================What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses behind? A Mechanic. =========================What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A Speech Impediment! =========================What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. =========================Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either. =========================Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying "Yo!" ========================Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. ========================How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? NONE- "He fell". ========================Q. How do you make a cat drink? A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur. ========================Q. Why do Jewish men like to watch porno movies backward? A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back. ========================Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning? A. "See ya." ========================Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? A. The survivors were marooned. ========================Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common? A: Nothing... yet. ========================

We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights:1. "... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."3. " A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."4. "... asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."5. "... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve"6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."9 . "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."10. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."12. "While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold."13. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."14. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?

"I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more.15. "His attache [case] opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies' undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume."16. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."17. "... asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security."18. "Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let the wife cook in the dark.

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife:

- Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!

- Shall I pack for warm weather or cold? - Martha replies.

- I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon! - the man responds.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.

Why do men like air-headed women? Opposites attract.

If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them!

How do you blind a woman? Put a windshield in front of her face.

How many men does it take to mop a floor? None. It's a woman's job.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Don't be sexist. Broads hate that!

Why can't Helen Keller drive? She's a woman!

How many women does it take to paint a wall? It depends on how hard you throw them.

Why did the woman cross the road? Who cares! What was she doing out of the kitchen or the bedroom ???

What do you do if your dishwasher stops working? Marry a new one !!

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't...there's a clock on the oven!