A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question:
- Mom, why are wedding dresses white?
The mother looks at her son and replies:
- Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.
The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father:
- Dad why are wedding dresses white?
The father looks at his son in surprise and says...:
- Son, all household appliances come in white!
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked:
- That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.
Morris hung his head and whispered:
- To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!
A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.
Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20
The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:
I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
→ A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!
What do you call skydiving lawyers?
→ Skeet.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
→ Because it scares the dog.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
→ Polaroids.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
→ Quatro sinko.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
→ Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.
Why does a pilgrim's pants always fall down?
→ Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same?
→ Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!
The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I don't jog...it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.
He tells her:
- Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said:
- Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!
A guy sitting nearby asked her:
- Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?
- Why, yes, I do. How did you know?
- Hickory dickory dock!
One night a torrential downpour soaked South Louisiana. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house. It kept floating out, then back, out and back. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux:
- Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house and then back again?
Mrs. Boudreaux said:
- Oh yes, that's my husband. I told him he was going to cut the grass today, come Hell or High Water!!
George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired:
- Aren't you Moses?
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again:
- Aren't you Moses?
The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again:
- Aren't you Moses?
The man finally responded in an irritated voice:
- YES, I AM!
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.
The man replied:
- The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered:
- Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!
A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake:
- I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!
St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case.
After investigating, he told the attorney:
- I'm afraid that their is no mistake my son... We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108 years old!
