Worst jokes

A termite walks into a bar and asks:

- is the bartender here?

C'mon...think about it! :)

TOP TEN THINGS MEN SHOULDN'T SAY OUT LOUD AT VICTORIA'S SECRET10. Does this come in children's sizes?9. No thanks, just sniffing8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind7. Mom will love this6. Oh size won't matter, she's inflatable.5. No need to wrap it, I'll eat it here4. Will you model this for me?3. The Miracle what?!? This is better than world peace!!2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up naked anyway!!!!

And the number one thing that a man should NEVER, EVER say out loud in Victoria's Secret is:1. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!!!!!!

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

- What about trying Viagra? - asks the doctor.

- Not a chance, - says Mrs. Murphy. He won't even take an aspirin for a headache.

- No problem, - replies the doctor. - Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

- Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.

- What happened? - asks the doctor.

- Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

- What was terrible? - said the doctor, - Was the sex not good?

- Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!

Why are there only two paul-bearers at a Mexican funeral?

There are only two handles on a garbage can!

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says:

- Father during the week I said the F-word.

The priest says:

- Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven.

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

- Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church, - said the guy.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied. - I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. - My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy said. - As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied. - As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied. - The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole.

The priest said:

- Don't tell - me you missed the fucking putt!

It had promised to be a sensational divorce case, with the wife accused of incredible escapades. Testifying before her own attorney, she projected an image of sweet innocence, told a tale of wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.

When it was time for cross-examination though, the husband's lawyer arose and said:

- Isn't it true that on the night of June 12, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual intercourse with a certain circus midget on the handle bars of a careening motorcycle as it raced across a private golf course reaching speeds in excess of seventy-five miles per hour?

She turned pale but retained her remarkable self-control and composure.

Her voice was almost serene in its innocence as she asked:

- What was that date again ?

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.

One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion:

- If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. - How long will this take? - she asks.

- They'll grow larger over a period of years, - he replies. The wife stops. - Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?

The husband shrugs. - Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?(He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.)

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied:

- I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk:

- Henry, I'm counting on you to do your stuff. - he said. And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out:

- Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself. But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying:

- Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.

- Shhhhh, - Henry whispered. The buzzard is getting closer.

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (Yes, Guys, these are REAL.)1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life 2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed 3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye 4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 5) How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life? 7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral 8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life 9) I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling 10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me 11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart. 12) I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You 13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow 14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck! 15) I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 16) I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy 17) I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life 18) I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised 19) I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart 20) I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line 21) If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You 22) If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low 23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You 24) If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will 25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too? 26) Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head) 27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic 28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus 29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart 30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him 31) Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You 32) Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill 33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft 34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger 35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart 36) She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty 37) Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone 38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out 39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart 40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In 41) You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too 42) You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd 43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat 44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life 45) You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

- Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?

- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- What sort of trouble?

- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Went away?

- They disappeared.

- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- How do I tell?[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.]

- Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?

- What's a sea-prompt?[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.]

- Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug?]

- Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- What's a monitor?

- It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- I don't know.

- Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?[sound of rustling and jostling][muffled]

- Yes, I think so.

- Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.[pause]

- Yes, it is.[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.]

- When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- No.

- Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.[muffled]

- Okay, here it is.

- Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.[still muffled]

- I can't reach.

- Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?[clear again]

- No.

- Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark.

- Dark?

- Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Well, turn on the office light then.

- I can't.

- No? Why not?

- Because there's a power outage.

- A power--!?!...[AAAAAAARGH!]

- A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

- Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Really? Is it that bad?

- Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!