Worst jokes

Hillary Clinton is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and can't believe this has happened.

She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:

- How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!!

- How could you???!!!

- I can't believe this has happened!

- I just found out I am 5 weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!!

- How could you???

- Well, what have you got to say???

There is nothing but silence on the phone.

She screams again:

- CAN YOU HEAR ME???!!!!

She finally hears Bill's very, very quiet voice.

In a barely audible whisper he says:

- Who is this?

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud said:

- Man, I wish we had something to drink!

Jim says:

- Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! No hangover! NO bad side effects, Nothing!

Then the phone rings...

It's Jim.

Jim says:

- Hey, how do you feel this morning?

Bud says:

- I feel great. How about you?

Jim says:

- I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?

Bud says:

- No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover - nothing.

- We ought to do this more often.

- Yeah, well, there's just one thing....

- What's that?

- Have you farted yet?

- No.....

- Well, DON'T - 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!!

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said:

- Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster.

- Maybe so - said the little boy - But then I'd lose my siren!

Can any of you relate to these "addiction" quips? I sure can :)

- The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

- The remote to the T.V. is missing...and you don't even care.

- You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month "unlimited!"

- You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

- The last girl you picked up was a 800x66 jpeg.

- You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP ...because you never log off!

- Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed with us."

- You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't even have a job.

- You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.

- You have comandeered your teenager's phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

- You check your email. It says "no new messages." So you check it again...and again...and again...

- You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.

- Your dog has its own home page.

- You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.

- You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

- Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

- You're surprised to learn there's also a 2 o'clock in the "afternoon".

- You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.

- Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye's.

- Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.

- Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake.

The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says:

- When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around.

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into water before she can.

The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?

Scroll down for the answer.??????????????????

Come on now, this should be easy for a person of your mental powers!?????????????????????

The product being advertised is...???????????????????

SEVEN UP!

Benign
→ What you be after you be eight.

Artery
→ The study of paintings.

Bacteria
→ Back door to cafeteria.

Barium
→ What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section
→ A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan
→ Searching for kitty.

Cauterize
→ Made eye contact with her.

Colic
→ A sheep dog.

Coma
→ A punctuation mark.

D & C
→ Where Washington is.

Dilate
→ To live long.

Enema
→ Not a friend.

Fester
→ Quicker than someone else.

Fibula
→ A small lie.

Genital
→ Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series
→ World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail
→ What you hang your coat on.

Impotent
→ Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain
→ Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff
→ A Doctor's cane.

Morbid
→ A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates
→ Cheaper than day rates.

Node
→ Was aware of

Outpatient
→ A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear
→ A fatherhood test.

Pelvis
→ Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative
→ A letter carrier.

Recovery Room
→ Place to do upholstery.

Rectum
→ Darn near killed him.

Secretion
→ Hiding something.

Seizure
→ Roman emperor.

Tablet
→ A small table.

Terminal Illness
→ Getting sick at the Bus Station

Tumor
→ More than one.

Urine
→ Opposite of you're out.

Varicose
→ Near by/close by.

Vein
→ Conceited.

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked:

- Am I my brother's son?

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:

- Tee hee, Brutus.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted:

- hurrah.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared:

- A horse divided against itself cannot stand.

Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

Madman Curie discovered radio.

And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Here's Martha Stewart's Etiquette Guide for Rednecks!

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:

- I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.

Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him:

- Are you a real cowboy?

- Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am - replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

- I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women - told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked:

- Are you a real cowboy?

- Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!