Worst jokes

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself:

- I'd give anything to sink this next putt.

A stranger walks up to him and whispers:

- Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself:

- Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole.

The same stranger moves to his side and says:

- Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says:

- Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says:

- You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life.

- Nice to meet you - says the golfer.

- My name's...

- Father O'Malley!

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.

- This is $200 - she says.

- I want one that's more sheer - says he.

- This one is $350.

- I want it even more sheer than that.

- This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500.

- I'll take it!

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying:

- Go put this on and come down to model it for me.

His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks:

- This thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not.

So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.

- So, how do you like it? - she says.

- Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the damn thing!

- SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear?

- MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are.

- DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

- NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

- MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

- PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

- PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why.

- OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell....

- BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

- PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me...(and then took it all away).

You think you got it bad? All night long I deal with soot in the chimneys, smelly socks, cross dogs, getting shot at, mistaken for a stork, driving all night in the snow - damn near got killed by a 747. Mrs. Clause is pissed off cause I got in so late.

Donner and Blitzen and Rudolph got the "runs" over Albuquerque and you should see my suit. The freaking elves won't clean the sleigh unless I pay them double time.

I'm so sick of cookies and milk, I could vomit. The only highball I had all night was when I slipped getting out of my sleigh. My prostate is giving me hell. I peed my pants at 20,000 feet and froze my butt to the seat. I'm allergic to pine needles. I itch all over and I think my hemorrhoids are back.

HO! HO! HO! A very MERRY CHRISTMAS,...

NOT! Santa

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so really far out and there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

- Hit him again Doc, Hit him again! - the 5 yr. old said.

- He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!

Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.

Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret.

- It's really quite simple - the old man explained. Twice each day, once in the morning and once in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and they turn red with embarrassment.

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

- So - he asked - any luck with your tomatoes?

- No - she replied excitedly - but you should see the size of my cucumbers!

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly:

- Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war... could you help me?

- Of course, my son - Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years.

The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.

Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively:

- Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability!

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:

- If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.

- Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

- Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.

- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

- Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.

- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.

- ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.

- You have enough clothes.

- You have too many shoes.

- Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

- Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

- No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.

- Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.

- Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

- "Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.

- A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.

- Check your oil.

- Don't give us rules.

- Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

- Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 2 days.

- Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

- Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

- Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

- Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes.

The old man just stared at him.

The boy said:

- What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?

The old man answered:

- Well yes, actually I have. I once got drunk and screwed a parrot...

I was just wondering if you were my son!

Some actual product warning labels:

- On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)

- On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

- In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense...except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)

- In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

- On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )

- On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

- On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

- On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops... Too late! You lose!)

- On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

- On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

- On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to what...use in outer space?)

- On an American Airlines packet of nuts - INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm sure glad they cleared that up.)

- On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

- On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)