Worst jokes

What do you call 3 blondes under a Christmas tree?
→ Ho-Ho-Ho!

How to catch a polar bear:

Go up north and find a frozen lake or pond. Cut a large hole in the ice. Open a can of green peas, and place the peas around the edge of the hole single file. Hide behind a nearby rock. When the bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole!

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

The man said:

- I do Father.

The priest said:

- Then stand over there against the wall.

Then the priest asked the second man:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

- Certainly, Father - was the man's reply.

- Then stand over there against the wall - said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said:

- Do you want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said:

- No, I don't Father.

The priest said:

- I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?

O'Toole said:

- Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.

It's a bummer to be an egg because...

1. You only get laid once.
2. You only get eaten once.
3. It takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4. You have to come in a box with 11 others.
5. The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.

Your momma is so fat, she was swimming in the ocean and all the whales started singing, "we are family".

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked:

- What the hell was that all about?

Still staring down, the drunk replied:

- I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!

Holiday Banana Bread:

Ingredients: 2 laughing eyes, 2 loving arms, 2 well shaped legs, 2 firm milk containers, 1 fur-lined mixing bowl, 1 large banana

Instructions:

1. look into laughing eyes and hold loving arms.
2. Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3. Squeeze & massage milk containers until the fur-lined mixing bowl is well greased, check with middle finger.
4. Add banana, work up and down until well creamed.
5. Lower nuts and sigh with relief, when banana is soft, bread is done!
6. Be sure to wash mixing utensils, but "do not lick the bowl."

NOTE: If bread rises, leave town.

Who Has The Best Memory?

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says:

- I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.

Second guy says:

- I can remember my first day at Nursery School!

Not to be outdone, the third guy says:

- Hell, that's nothing... I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says:

- Who was that??!!

- Oh - replies the husband - that was my mistress.

- That's it - says the wife - I want a divorce.

- Ok - replies her husband - but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours.

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.

- Who is that woman with Jim? - she asks.

- That's his mistress - replies her husband.

- Ours is much better looking. - says the wife.