Worst jokes

IN PRISON...
You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK.....
You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...
You get three meals a day.

AT WORK.....
You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...
You get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK.....
You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...
A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK.....
You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...
You can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK.....
You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...
You get your own toilet.

AT WORK.....
You have to share.

IN PRISON...
They allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK.....
You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...
All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK.....
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...
You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK.....
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...
There are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK.....
They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON...
You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.

AT WORK.....
You get fired if you get caught.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.

- Jeeves - she said.

- Take off my dress.

He did this carefully.

- Jeeves - she continued.

- Take off my stockings and garter.

He silently obeyed her.

- Jeeves - she then said.

- Remove my bra and panties.

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said:

- Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says...:

- Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says:

- Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want.

The Russian begins thinking:

- Well, I really like drinking vodka.

Finally the Russian says:

- I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife:

- Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife:

- Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.

His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.

The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him:

- But Boris, why do we need only one glass?

Boris raises the glass and says:

- Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.

After the intimate session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says:

- I bet you are a surgeon

She confirms and asks how he knew.

- Easy, you're always washing your hands.

She then says:

- I bet you're an anesthesiologist.

- Male doctor: Wow, how did you guess?

- Female doctor: I didn't feel a thing!

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy:

- Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?

The guy replies:

- I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver:

- Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out:

- I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years.

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister:

- Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

- Just a minute - says the minister.

- That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?

- Up here, we work by results - says Saint Peter.

- While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed!

12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:

1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3. I will get dressed before noon.
4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7. I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8. I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10. I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12. Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.

Among them were:

- His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh

- His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

- The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

- The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh

- The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh

- The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh

- The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh

- The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

- His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

- His Italian uncle: Day Gogh

- His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

- The Mexican cousin's American half brother: Grin Gogh

- The nephew who drove a stage coach: Wellsfar Gogh

- The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh

- A sister who loved disco: Go Gogh

- The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

- His nephew psychoanalyst: E Gogh

- The fruit loving cousin: Man Gogh

- An aunt who taught positive thinking: Wayto Gogh

- The little bouncy nephew: Poe Gogh

- And his niece who travels the country in a van: Winnie Bay Gogh

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
→ They're hiring.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam."

How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
→ Polaroids.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
→ National Dyslexia Association.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
→ Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
→ Quattro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
→ Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
→ A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
→ Anyone can roast beef.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
→ They all have phones.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
→ Sanka.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
→ Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
→ A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick.

- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

- There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

- I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

- Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

- Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.

- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.

- Lord save me from your followers.

- God must love stupid people. He made so many.

- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

- Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.