Worst jokes

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it...our lives depend on it!"

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice butt!!!!!!!"

What's long, black, and never ends?
→ The unemployment line!

What can't you give a black person?
→ A black eye, fat lip, or a job!

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him:

- What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said:

- This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God:

- What will a woman like this cost?

God replied:

- An arm and a leg.

Then Adam asked:

- What can I get for a rib?

The rest is history...

- The word of the day is "LEGS", let's go back to my place and spread the word.

- Let's name your legs. The right one is Thanksgiving and the left one is Christmas. Can I come between the holidays?

- I'd like to fuck your brains out, but it looks like someone beat me to it.

- Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

- Was your daddy a baker? 'Cause you sure gotta nice set of buns.

- Can I borrow a quarter? I just want to call your mother and thank her for having you!

Why didn't the sanitary pads say hello to the Tampax?
→ Because the Tampax were stuck-up cunts!

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says:

- I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.

The woman then says:

- Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!

To which the dentist replies:

- Make up your mind lady, I'll have to adjust the chair!

Yo mamma's so stupid, she put a quarter in a parking meter and said "Hey, where's my gumball?"

Bob and sue have been married for 12 yrs. And never have sex with the lights on.

One night sue turned on the lights while they were having sex. And was shocked when she saw her husband with a dildo in his hands.

Sue yelled:

- You impatient fucker! You lying son of a...

Bob stopped her and said:

- I'm a lying son of a bitch? Than maybe you would like to explain our 3 kids?

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed:

- What the hell did you do that for!?

Tarzan replied:

- Always check for squirrels.

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch?
→ A whore sleeps with everyone at the party.

A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party except you.