Worst jokes

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says:

- Sir, did you call for me?

Bob replies:

- No, what do you mean?

She says:

- You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says:

- Sir, did you call for me?

Bob replies:

- No, what do you mean?

The Huge Man:

- You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist:

- May I help you?

Bob says:

- Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.

Receptionist:

- But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."

Bob replies:

- Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day!

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

So, the grandmother says sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

He is going to try to put his hand between your legs , you are going to like that but, don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advise, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she said.

But she said:

- grandmother I didn't let him disgrace the family.

- When he tried I turned over, got on top of him and disgraced his family!

A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside.

- Mine - says the man.

- My dog has just killed him - she says.

- What breed is your dog? - he asks.

- A Chiuahua - she says.

- How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?

- He got caught in his throat!!!

One day, a man with no arms walked into the bathroom. Another man that was in there, asked:

- I don't mean to be rude sir, but how to you go to the bathroom with no arms?

The guys with no arms replied:

- Well I need a little help, could you unzip my pants?

The other guys reluctantly says:

- sure.

The guy with no arms says:

- I need a little more help than that, I need some aim.

- Would you mind?

The guy, very reluctant to do it this time said:

- Sure, I guess.

When the guy pulled out the mans penis, there was red pustules and blisters and hair all over it. The man preceded to help the man out. When the man with no arms was finished. The other man asked him:

- I don't mean to be rude, but what was all over your penis?

The man then replied, as he pulled his arms out his shirt:

- I don't know but I sure as hell ain't touching it!

Signs you've had too much of the 90's!

- You try to enter your password on the microwave.

- You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

- You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.

- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.

- You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

- Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

- And finally... You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!

Your momma so fat, when she goes to the aquarium the whales sing "WE ARE FAMILY."

Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90's:

- We learn about VD in: "IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in: "I'M STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!"

- Is Linus gay? "ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in: "OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?"

- See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in: "NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!"

- Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in: "IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN"

- What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pen's twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego "Mr. Clean" in: "GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in: "ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!"

- Charlie Brown gets his first job in: "WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?"

- Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in: "GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN"

- Peppermint Patty 'goes to town' on Marcie in: "WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?"

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

A couple are driving along the freeway and the husband, who is driving, is complaining about everything ... the heat, the long drive, the bad drivers, the country, etc ... and his wife is getting tired of his depressing talk. So she says to him:

- One more complaint and I'll cut your penis off with my pen-knife.

About half an hour later, he starts complaining again, and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices the guy's dick off, and throws it out the window.

Driving behind the couple's car is a family of three : husband, wife, and a 8 year old daughter. The penis lands on their car's windshield, and the father, in an absolute panic (as he doesn't want his daughter to see the penis), quickly turns on the windshield wipers (to get the dick off the windshield, and out of view of his daughter).

The observant daughter asks:

- Daddy, what was that?

Her father, still in a panic, says:

- Oh it was only a.....uh........butterfly.

- Must've been a big butterfly - replied the daughter...

- Did you see the size of it's dick!

Why do farts smell?
→ So deaf people can enjoy them too.