Worst jokes

The teacher of the fourth grade class was giving an English lesson:

- All right class, I want everyone to write a sentence which starts with a question and ends with an answer and has the words possible and definite in it!

All at once, young Johnny's hand shot up.

- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny.

- Write it down, Johnny! - said the teacher.

- ... But Miss! Miss! Miss! - Johnny intoned.

- I said write it down! - exclaimed the teacher who was now quite peeved.

- Miss! Miss! - called Johnny once more.

- Okay, Johnny. I give up. What is it?

- Is it possible that farts have lumps in them?

- No! - said the startled teacher.

- Then I have definitely shit myself!

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,... "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years...

What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says...

"How soon do you have to know?"

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed:

- THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!!

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another hole in the ice.

Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed:

- THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!!

The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole in the ice.

The voice came once more:

- FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!!!!

She stopped, looked skyward, and said:

- Is that you, Lord?

The voice replied:

- NO you idiot!...this is the Ice-Rink Manager.

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have:

• 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95
• 'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95
• and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

Simple...

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

The following are actual incidents reported...

#1
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change.

#2
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

#3
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said:

- I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball.

He replied:

- Highway patrolmen don't have balls.

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes."

"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters at high speeds.
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."

God goes to the Celestial Super computer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than yours!"

A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00".

She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?"

"Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it."

How bad could it be?, the woman thought.

Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.

The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!"

"Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad."

Then the woman's two daughters came home from school.

"Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!"

Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad either. Then the woman's husband came home from work.

"Awk!" The parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!"

Why do so many black people move to Detroit?
→ Because they heard there were no jobs there.

What would Princess Di be doing if she were still alive?
→ Scratching like hell to get out of her coffin!