So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife's tits and says:
- If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows.
He grabs her butt and says:
- If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.
The wife grabs the farmer's dick and says:
- And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother.
This guy is just starting off his career as a ventriliquist and he's going around town looking for a job. He finds one at a local nightclub.
So, on his first night, he's going through his normal routine of blonde jokes. All of a sudden, this blonde stands up in the fourth row and says:
- Excuse me, mister, but no physical attribute of mine affects my mental capability!
The guy is flabbergasted. He stands up and tries to apologize, but is cut off when she says:
- You stay out of this, mister. I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to that jerk on your knee!
Your mamma is so fat, when daddy told her to haul ass she had to make two trips!
What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
→ A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop a load into it.
How do we know that God is a man?
→ Because if God was a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
Why are tornadoes and marriage alike?
→ They both start with a lot of blowing and sucking, but in the end you always lose your house.
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
As one teacher noted:
- It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!
- H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
- To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
- When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
- The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
- A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
- The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Liter: A nest of young puppies.
- Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
- For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
- For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
- To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
- When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose.
- The parts of speech are lungs and air.
- The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
- A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
- A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
- The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
- A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
- Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.
- The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
- We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
- A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.
- The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
- The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
- Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
- The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.
- Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
- In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.
- One by-product of raising cattle is calves.
- Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.
What's the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
A new priest was beginning in the Church confessional. His predecessor had given him a list of sins and their punishments.
The door opened and a man entered.
- Forgive me Father for I have sinned - he began.
- I have stolen.
The priest looked up stealing on the list and told him to say one Hail Mary.
The next time the door opened, a woman walked in:
- Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with the window cleaner.
The priest looked up oral sex on the list but couldn't find it. He opened his door and called out to the cleaning lady:
- What does Father John give for a blow job?
- $12.50 if I take me teeth out.
Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover:
- Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?
His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says:
- I don't feel anything.
Bruce says:
- Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out.
So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.
He says:
- I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass.
Bruce starts singing:
- Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...
