Worst jokes

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one of them $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man:

- I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and stereo and gives them to the man. She says:

- I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says:

- I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

A young man walks up and sits at the bar.

- What can I get you? - the bartender inquires.

- I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, - responded the young man.

- 6 shots! Are you celebrating something?

- Yeah, my first blow job.

- Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.

- No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.

What did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog?
→ You know what...we DO taste like chicken!

What does the Star Trek Enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
→ They both circle around uranus searching for klingons!

Your momma so stanky...when she passes by the toilet it flushes!!!

A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture.

The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window.

- Do you want a screwdriver? - she asked.

The chauffeur shrugged:

- Might as well, - he said, I can't get this bloody hub cap off!!!

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you already told her to shut up twice.

Your mom is so fat, that I knew her all my life, and I still haven't seen all of her!

Your mom is so fat, I can get morning exercise by running around here!

One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand:

- My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies:

- Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.

Next is little Lucy:

- Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.

The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies:

- Don't count your eggs before they're hatched.

Last is little Johnny:

- My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Johnny replies:

- Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking!