Worst jokes

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy:

- That's it for you. No honey for a week.

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said:

- Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said:

- Should I tell her or should you?

- Good Afternoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?

- Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.

- What sort of trouble?

- Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.

- Went away?

- They disappeared.

- Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?

- Nothing.

- Nothing?

- It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.

- Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?

- How do I tell?

- Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?

- What's a sea-prompt?

- Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?

- There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.

- Does your monitor have a power indicator?

- What's a monitor?

- It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?

- I don't know.

- Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?......

- Yes, I think so.

- Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.......

- Yes, it is.

- When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?

- No.

- Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.......

- Okay, here it is.

- Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.

- I can't reach.

- Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?

- No.

- Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?

- Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark.

- Dark?

- Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

- Well, turn on the office light then.

- I can't.

- No? Why not?

- Because there's a power outage.

- A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?

- Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.

- Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.

- Really? Is it that bad?

- Yes, I'm afraid it is.

- Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?

- Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said:

- Watch this!

and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor.

- Not bad - said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said:

- Watch this!

and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.

- Wow, that's colder than mine! - said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said:

- Watch this!

and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went:

- FFFAAAARRRRTTT. He won!

How to identify where a driver is from...

- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

- One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California (with gun in lap: L.A.)

- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

- One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

- One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

- One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

- Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

- One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

- Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

- Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

- Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" .... also seen a lot in Parksville!!!

A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her:

- go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?

The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying.

The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims:

- I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals!

The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her.

He says:

- Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?

The blonde tosses her hair in triumph and says:

- That's easy! It's M!

21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM!

- EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

- SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

- CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

- TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

- INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

- CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

- WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

- FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

- ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

- CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

- SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

- PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

- DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

- TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

- EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

- FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

- LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

- DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

- DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

- CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

- RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

The Yoko Club?
→ Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
→ I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
→ Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
→ Yessir.

The Alzheimer's club?
→ Forget it.

The Ebert movie club?
→ Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
→ You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
→ Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
→ Noh.

The quarterback club?
→ I'll pass.

The Rhett Butler club?
→ I don't give a damn.

The compulsive rhymers club?
→ Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
→ Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
→ Sure.

The pregnancy club?
→ Conceivably.

The Procrastinator's Club?
→ Maybe next week

The Self Esteem Builders?
→ They wouldn't accept me anyway

The Agoraphobics Society?
→ Only if they meet at my house

The Co-Dependence Club?
→ Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?
→ God willing!

A guy is golfing with his pretty wife, who is a very poor golfer. On the first hole she sends the ball smashing through the window of a nearby house.

The couple goes to the house to investigate the damage and finds the door open. They go inside and found a man sitting on a couch next to the broken window. There is also a broken oil-lamp.

The husband asks:

- Did we break that too?

- Yes - replies the man.

- Sorry. Do you live here? - the husband asks.

- No, actually, I'm a genie. The man states:

- I was sleeping in that lamp when your golf ball smashed it. Now, I'm supposed to give you three wishes, but I'm keeping one for myself since you smashed my lamp. OK, what'll they be?

The husband thinks a moment:

- First, make my wife a better golfer.

- Poof! She's a better golfer - the genie announces.

- Second, I want a million bucks a week for life.

- Poof! you get a million bucks a week - the genie announces.

- Good. OK, what do you want? - asks the husband.

- For my wish. I want to have my way with your pretty wife - grins the genie.

- Hmmm - the husband hesitated:

- I guess that's all right. After all, she broke your lamp, you've made us rich, and our golf games will be much more interesting. Go ahead.

So the genie and the wife retire the bedroom. After several steamy hours the "genie" says to the wife:

- How long have you known your husband?

- Ten years - she replies.

- How long has he believed in this genie stuff?

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:

- Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:

1. You can't beat me (as my first husband did).
2. You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).
3. You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't).

A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.

- Can I help you? - she says.

- I'm here about your ad in the paper.

- Which ad is that?

- The one looking for a husband.

She says:

- Uhm, well, there were certain criteria...

- Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms.

- Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria.

- And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs.

- Well, yes, that's true... but there was one other thing that is very important...

- Ah, yes, well... how do you think I rang the door bell?

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
→ What for? He can't see my license plate.

Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
→ The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

When driving through fog, what should you use?
→ Your car.

How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
→ Be too shit-faced to find your keys.

What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
→ I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
→ I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
→ Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
→ The color.

How do you deal with heavy traffic?
→ Heavy psychedelics.

What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
→ Carry loaded weapons.

Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
→ It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long.