Worst jokes

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked:

- Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?

- Sure, it's easy. - replied the neurosurgeon.

- All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie.

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him:

- I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.

The patient replied:

- Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?

A writer dies and reaches the Golden Gates where God gives him a choice to either go to Heaven or Hell. He finds it difficult to make up his mind so he asks God if he can have a little tour of both places.

God agrees and they first go to Hell where the writer sees rows and rows of writers, chained to their desks in an overheated room, being whipped if they stopped writing for a second by merciless editors and publishers. This really frightens the writer who then proceeds to Heaven hoping it'll be better.

In Heaven too he sees rows of writers, chained to their desks in an over heated room, being whipped mercilessly.

So he turns to God and says:

- But they're both the same!

To which God replies:

- Oh no. Here in Heaven your work gets published!

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

- My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf. - says Little Red Riding Hood.

The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

- My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf. - says Little Red Riding Hood.

Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.

- My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf. - taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams:

- Will you fuck off, I'm trying to take a shit!

Very Short Books...

1. Outdoor activities in Chernobyl
2. Hot Scenic Real-estate opportunities on top of Mt St. Helens
3. Investment opportunities in worm futures for the deceased
4. Ballerina lessons for men with size 13 or larger feet
5. Defensive Driving tips for the Blind
6. Contraceptive tips for Nuns
7. Delicious Beef Recipes for Hindus
8. Mutual Fund Investment strategies for compulsive gamblers
9. Cooking with Pork Fat for Vegetarians
10. GreenPeace Guide for Buying Quality Baby Seal coats
11. GreenPeace Guide to Preparing Fast & Easy Whale Dishes
12. Jewish and Arab Friendship Customs
13. Human Rights organizations in Libya
14. Democracy Debate clubs in Cuba
15. Applying for Tibetan Vendors Permits
16. Applying for Flight Clearance over The White House
17. Guide to Redneck Gay Bars
18. Guide to NeoNazis Jewish Friendship Centers
19. Famous Native American Judges, Senators and Presidents
20. Famous Black Canadian Hockey Players
21. Famous Hillbilly Physics
22. Guide to apply for Pan Handling Permit in Singapore
23. Street guide to most original graffiti in Singapore
24. Country Singers who have appeared at Carnegie Hall
25. Sports Illustrated's Gay Mens Swimsuit Edition
26. How to start you own part time Hospital from home
27. Guide to Gay NBA, NFL, AFL & NHL Teams
28. E-mail address directory for the homeless
29. All Night Libyan Moshe pits
30. List of Fine Wines from Iran

Very Short Lists:

1. List of Golf Courses that do not allow Doctors
2. List of all night Gay women's bars in Iran
3. List of DR's who do gratis Brain Surgery
4. List of Hospitals with Drive-Thru window Service
5. List of Home cures for Ebola Virus
6. List of Homeless Boston Debutantes
7. List of Catholic Abortion referral services
8. List of Women Rabbi's and assistant's
9. List of Women Popes, Cardinals & Bishops
10. List of Men's Rape assistant groups
11. List of Battered Men's Help Groups
12. List of Cuban registered voters
13. List of Libyan registered women voters
14. List of Libyan Licensed women truck drivers
15. List of Libyan women lawyers
16. List of Libyan women with PHD's
17. List of Libyan Women Service Clubs
18. List of interstate Highways with no Numbers
19. List of U.S. Cops who have never eaten a doughnut
20. List of People who have survived going over Niagara Falls
21. List of People who have been in a UFO and are not crazy
22. List of People who can whistle while drinking beer
23. List of Pregnant Men
24. List of Men who wash dishes, do the laundry & iron at the same time
25. List of Women who drink 24 beer while watching 3 football games
26. List of Women who can out shoot, & skate Wayne Gregskey
27. List of Licensed flyable Airplanes with no wings
28. List of Blind Licensed Drivers in Calif.
29. List of Midgets over 6 foot tall
30. List of living trees made of plastic

The little rascals were in class and the teacher was giving them a vocabulary lesson. The teacher said:

- Alfalfa, use the word love in a sentence.

Alfalfa replies:

- I love Darla.

The teacher said:

- Good...now Spanky your word is respect.

Spanky replies:

- I respect the way Alfalfa loves Darla.

The teacher said:

- Very good! Now Buckweat its your turn, your word is Dictate.

Buckweat replies:

- Hey Darla...how did my dictate last night?.

by Every guy in America

1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups:
   Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
7. Unless the answer is yes.
8. In which case, can he videotape it?
9. If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
10. The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
11. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
12. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
13. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble .. (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
14. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
15. He heard you the first time.
16. You know, YOU can ask HIM out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
17. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
18. Of COURSE he wants another beer.
19. The guy doesn't ALWAYS have to sleep on the wet spot.
20. Dogs good. Cats bad.
21. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
22. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
23. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
24. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
25. He was not looking at that other girl.
26. Well, okay... maybe a little.
27. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
28. There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "motorcycle".
29. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
30. And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
31. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
32. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will NEVER fake an orgasm.
33. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
34. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
35. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
36. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
37. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
38. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
39. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
40. Don't hog the covers.
41. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
42. He does not just want to be friends.
43. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:

Joe Sensitive

- After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?

Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

Old Man Grump's

- People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home and watch TV.

Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogy, Slow Mover,
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

Flinchy

- I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did.

Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

Bigfoot

- Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'.

Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

Lazybones

- Zzzzzz

Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

The Sneak

- Who, me?

Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

Ace of Hearts

- After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?

Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

The Dreamer

- Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,

Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grump's"

Mr. Right

- While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?

Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

Ms. Nice Guy

- Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller

- You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly

- Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser

- Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Don't give me that look.

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied

- I just can't decide. Should I switch my career? goals?

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control

- Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn.

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy

- I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars

- I believe this dance will explain how I feel about you

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl

- I am utterly content with you just the way you are

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.

One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

- No - she says,

- they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.