A woman and her daughter go to the store to get the daughter a Barbie. At the store, the daughter asks the lady working at the store if Barbie comes with Ken.
She replies:
- Oh no, Barbie only cums with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken.
It was New Year's Eve ... by then, actually, it was very early on New Year's morning. The drunk staggered out of the men's room and wobbled his way to the bar.
- I, uh, lll..., I'll ha-have anudder. Maske itta dubble.
The bartender looks him over and notices the vomit staining the front of the drunk's sharp looking suit.
- Buddy, it looks to me like you've had quite enough. Why don't you call it a night and go home.
The drunk protests...:
- N-n-no! I ca-can't. My, my wife, you, you see... She gammie this new shoot for Chrishmash. Iff she seez what Ife done to it... She, she's gunna kill m-me. Juss gimmie a doubble...
- Tell you what - the bartender says.
- You got any 20 dollar bills on you?
The drunk pulls out his wallet and thumbs through and replies...:
- Y-yeah, I got a few....
The bartender takes one of the twenties and stuffs it in the shirt pocket of the poor drunk.
- There you go buddy. When your wife asks you what happened, you just tell here that you were innocently passing by the bar on your way home when some boozer staggers out, holds onto you, and barfs all over you. He then apologizes and shoves a twenty in your pocket so you can get the suit dry cleaned!
- B-br-brilliant! - the drunk exclaims excitedly.
- Thish jush might w-work!
The drunk goes home and sure enough, his wife is waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand.
- Look at you! You're a disgrace! Look at what you've done to your new suit!
- N-no hunnybunsh - the drunk stammers...
- Y-you see, I was juss passing by the b-ba-bar when this drunken sod stumbles out, b-ba-bar-barfs all over me, and then he shoved a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, he sez, so I, I can get my suit drykleened...
The wife looks in the drunk's pocket and pulls out the money.
- Wait a minute... - the wife says.
- there are TWO twenty dollar bills in your pocket.
The drunk reels, regroups, and explains...:
- Wha-wha... Well thass because after he puked on me, he ... he took a crap in my pants!
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice:
- Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner:
- Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her.
- Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help.
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
- Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you - she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said:
- Yes?
- Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please? - said the officer.
- Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle - he replied confidently.
- Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago.
Military training: During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
- You simpleton! - the officer barked.
- Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?
- Yes sir - the soldier answered apologetically.
- But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, 'Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' --- that did it!
One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil.
- Devil: Why so glum?
- Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
- Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?
- Guy: Sure I love to drink.
- Devil: We'll you're gonna love Mondays, then. On Mondays that's all we do. Drink, Drink, Drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab... We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.
- Guy: Gee, that sounds great.
- Devil: You a smoker?
- Guy: You better believe it.
- Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay...you're already dead!
- Guy: No way!
- Devil: I bet you like to gamble.
- Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
- Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races; you name it. We've even opened up a Pai Gow poker table.
- Guy: Hmmm, I've never played pai gow before ...
- Devil: Well now you can. You like to do drugs?
- Guy: Yes, I love drugs! You don't mean ...
- Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of your head. You can do all the drugs you want. If you overdose? It's okay! You're already dead!!
- Guy: Yes! I never realized that hell was such a swinging place!!
- Devil: So... are you gay?
- Guy: Uh, no.
- Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), you are gonna HATE Fridays!
What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?
→ Snowballs.
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
- Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?, - he says.
- That's cool - says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds:
- why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.
- Yeah - says Carrie's father:
- Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
- DAMMIT DADDY! ...
- IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He sidles up to the bar and announces:
- I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
- Hurry! - she said:
- stand in the corner.
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
- Don't move until I tell you to - she whispered.
- Just pretend you're a statue.
- What's this, honey? - the husband inquired as he entered the room.
- Oh, it's just a statue - she replied nonchalantly.
- The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
- Here - he said to the 'statue':
- eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
