Worst jokes

- What kind of job do you do? - a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.

- I'm a naval surgeon - he replied.

- Goodness! - said the lady - How you doctors specialize these days!

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him:

- Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you.

- Give me the bad news first, Doc. - says the patient.

- I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.

- Oh my god! - the patient cries, breaking into tears.

- But the good news - the doctor adds - is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!

Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:

• Oops.
• Has anyone seen my watch?
• That was some party last night. I can't remember WHEN I've been that drunk!

At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument. The Indian surgeon was saying:

- No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba

The African surgeon is saying:

- No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm

They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them.

- Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb."

After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says:

- I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water!

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole.

They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon.

Why? So he can make a new hole!

For years 'n years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests."

So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
An always wore a bra.

After thirty years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump,
He ordered up a Mammogram
To look inside that clump.

"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my tit in line,
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah, yes! There! That's just fine."

She stepped upon a pedal. . .
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate was pressing down.
My boob was in a vise!!!

My skin was stretched 'n stretched
From way up by my chin,
And my poor tit was being squeezed
To Swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within its vise-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!!

"Take a deep breath" she said to me
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's get the other one."
"Lord, have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done
To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now. . .
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!!

This machine was made by a man,
Of this I have no doubt.
I'd like to get his balls in there,
For months, he'd go "without"!!

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.

- Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy - he said, pointing to the urine bottle.

- Oh, really? - she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips.

- In that case, we'd better run it through again...

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin Corey

Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of Blessington

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley

I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette Davis

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord Dewar

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about 'short' and 'cheap'? - Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller

It destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin Disraeli

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd

Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences. - Isadora Duncan

Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at night. - Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley On Making A Will", 1919

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. - Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. - Benjamin Franklin

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. - Bruce Friedman

Choose a wife by your ear than your eye. - Thomas Fuller, 1732

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Goethe

Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. - Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting married

When Baby's cries grew hard to bear I popped him in the Frigidaire. I never would have done so if I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff. My wife said:

- George, I'm so unhappy! Our darling's now completely frappe! - Graham

If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them. - Robert Graves

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.

On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him at first.

- Rob, is that really you? - said the friend.

- You look years younger. I didn't know you had a dimple in your chin.

- It's not a dimple, it's my belly button - said the old man and his friend laughed.

- If you think that's funny, take a look at what I'm wearing for a tie!

When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a rule prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients. Our 11-year-old seemed to understand, but our six-year-old took the restriction very hard.

We discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking to her mother on the phone for the first time. As she said goodbye, she tearfully exclaimed:

- I'll see you when I'm 12, mom!