Worst jokes

A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.

- Nobody - comes the reply.

- Good - says the man - I must have escaped!

- Oh doctor - moaned the woman to the psychiatrist.

- Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!

- I understand - said the shrink.

- But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock!

There were these three models going by air to a photo shoot, Elle Mcpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell.

Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down.

Elle put on more make-up saying:

- They always rescued the beautiful ones first.

Cindy donned her jewelery claiming:

- They would rescue the richest one first - upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying:

- You're both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box!

1. Never eat at a place called Mom's
2. Never play cards with a man named 'Doc'
3. Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. - Ambrose Bierce

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge

In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kate's allurements smitten,
I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon,
And call'd her dearest kitten.

But now my kitten's grown a cat,
And cross like other wives.
O! By my soul my honest Mat,
I fear she has nine lives. - James Boswell "Life of Johnson"

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire

For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it:

- I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do... - Lenny Bruce

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy

Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy

Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy

I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy

I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep with. - Peg Bundy

The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie Bunker

In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge

A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back!"

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:

- Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?

In a strident voice, she responded:

- How dare you make such a proposition to me!

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled:

- I just asked for the time, miss.

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked:

- I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said:

- I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statements.

The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed:

- YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?..... AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!

How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?
→ The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts

10. Every night, his forecast is:

- It's raining men, hallelujah!

9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.
10. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.
11. "Satellite photos" look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.
12. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.
13. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.
14. Every night he says:

- Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer tomorrow!

3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving the finger.
4. Looks a lot like this pinhead. (videotape of Dave in his TV weatherman days)
5. He's got a tropical storm in his pants.

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.
5. After everything he says, say:

- And how does that make you feel?

6. Point at random things and say:

- Where did you get that?

7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
8. Repeat over and over:

- I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!

9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19. Eat his books.
20. Talk to his leg.
21. Don't face him when he talks to you.
22. Talk really slowly.
23. Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26. Pretend you hear music.
27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28. Pretend to drink.
29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.