Worst jokes

- Baby Jim: Mommy, does God use our toilet?

- Mom: No Jim, what made you ask?

- Baby: Every morning, Daddy goes up to the toilet and says:

- Oh God! Are you still in there!

Four nuns are driving to market and get hit by a drunk driver and all four nuns die. They get in line to go through pearly gates and wait for St. Peter to admit them.

St. Peter goes to the nuns and says:

- I realize that you are sisters of the cloth, but I must ask you if you have anything to report to me that might be a sin.

The sisters thought for a while and the first nun went to St. Peter:

- I once touched a man's penis with this finger.

St. Peter thought for a while and said:

- I'm sure it was in the line of duty; Place your finger in that holy water and swirl it around.

She did as she was instructed and "PING" she was in.

The second nun went to St. Peter and said:

- I once touched a man's genitals with my entire right hand.

Again St. Peter thought for a while and said:

- I'm sure it was within your duties; Swirl your hand in that holy water and go in.

The second nun did as she was instructed and "ping" she was in.

All of a sudden the 4th nun jumped in front of the 3rd nun. St. Peter was really confused by this:

- How come you cut in front of Sister?

The 4th nun replied:

- I just wanted to know if I could gargle with that holy water before she soaked her ass in it!

Hey bob,

- Will you rember me tomorrow??

- Yes

- Will you rember me next week??

- Yes

- Will you rember me next month??

- Yes

- Will yoiu rember me next year??

- Yeah

- Knock Knock

- Whos There??

- See, you forgot me already!!!!!!

A Ukraine businessman who bought a pager for each member of his staff as a New Years gift, was so alarmed when all 50 of them went off at the same time that he drove his car into a lamp post, a newspaper said Thursday.

The unnamed businessman was returning from the pager shop when the accident happened, the Fakty daily reported.

"With no more than 100 meters to go to the office, the 50 pagers on the back seat suddenly burst out screeching.

The businessman's fright was such that he simply let go of the steering wheel and the car ploughed into a lamp post."

After he had assessed the damage to the car, the businessman turned his attention to the message on the 50 pagers. It read: "Congratulations on a successful purchase!"

5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and told him:

- My name's the same as yours.

Santa's helper blows his cover when he says:

- Well, hello, Harold!

A hospital patient, recovering from minor surgery, was being given an alcohol rubdown by two of the hospital's more attractive nurses.

While manipulating the man's body they noted that the word "tiny" was tattooed on the head of his penis.

Some months after the man's discharge, Mary, one of the nurses, told Joan, the other, that she had dated their former patient.

- How could you go out with a man that had 'tiny' tattooed on his love stick? - exclaimed Joan.

- How could I indeed! - said Mary.

- It said 'tiny' when it was soft, but when aroused, it spelled: 'Tiny's Delicatessen & Catering Service. We deliver at all times, twenty-four hours a day!!!'

A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to something behind the clerk.

- How much is that television set? - she asks.

- Sorry, we don't sell to blondes - the clerk said.

So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk and asks:

- How much is that television set behind you?

The clerk replies:

- Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

Again, the girl walks out.

She again tries the next day, this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk and asks:

- How much is that television set behind you?

The clerk again replies:

- We don't sell to blondes!

Well, the girl was kind of suspicious.

She asks carefully:

- How do you know I'm a blond?

The clerk looks at the girl and says...

- Because that's not a television, it's a microwave!

A man and a woman were in 2 different cars. The man was going up the mountainside. The woman was going down the mountainside. Then the woman yells out - "Pig!". The man then yells back - "Hoe!" They both continue on, until the man smashes his car into a pig!

How do you make 5 lbs. of fat attractive?
→ Put a nipple on it.

Suggestions for Guys Golfing or Using A Public Bathroom:

- Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

- Form a loose grip.

- Keep your head down.

- Avoid a quick backswing.

- Stay out of the water.

- Try not to hit anyone.

- If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

- Don't stand directly in front of others.

- Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.

- Don't take extra strokes.