Worst jokes

An Ancient Greek man walks into a tailor and holds up a torn tunic.

- Tailor: Euripides? (You-rip-e-dees)

- Man: Eumenedes?? (You-men-e-dees)

(Say it quickly, it works!)

Heard about the dyslexic pimp?
→ He bought a warehouse!

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

- Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.

- No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!

You're in a room with no doors and no windows, and all you have is a baseball bat. How do you get out?
→ Strike 1! Strike 2! Strike 3! You're out!

Can You name 3 Cars that start with P?
→ Nope, they all start with Gas!

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!"

A neutron walks into a bar, and asks for a drink.

The bartender serves it up, and the neutron asks:

- Hey - how much?

Bartender replies:

- For you - no charge!

Why are Australians like kiwifruit?
→ Because they are rough on the outside, green on the inside..... and too many of them will give you the shits!

What's the difference between the dinosaur and a dragon...?
→ Dinosaurs are too young to SMOKE!

At the edge of the forest there was a somewhat mediocre wizard. He is there to help the animals of the forest with some of their daily problems. One day a toad hops in.

The toad says:

- Oh wizard, please help me. I was born with a yellow penis.

- I've told you animals, I can't help you with any big problems - responds the wizard.

- You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz.

So the toad hops off on his merry little way. But in not too long an elephant enters the wizards pad.

- Oh wizard, please help me. I was born without a trunk - the elephant begins.

Now the wizard is infuriated:

- Don't you stupid animals ever listen!!! Take your damn big problems to the wizard of Oz!

The elephant responds:

- But, wizard how do I get to the Wizard of Oz?

- Oh that's easy - says the wizard.

- Just follow the yellow dicked toad!