Worst jokes

Why do the Vikings play in a Dome?
→ Because even God can't stand to watch!

Why did God give women legs?
→ So that they wouldn't leave tracks like snails!

Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets?
→ So they can run their fingers through their hair!

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said........

- Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!

Stallone, Tony Danza, and Arnold Swarzanagger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers.

Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says he'll be Bethoven, and Swarzanagger says:

- I'll be Bach!

Always give 100% at work.......

- 12% on Monday

- 23% on Tuesday

- 40% on Wednesday

- 20% on Thursday

- 5% on Fridays

And remember .......

When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.

Now get back to work!

There's this young couple, Louise and Al, they've been married for about a year, and the bride isn't getting any sex. Just about every night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down to the pub. She's getting increasingly rampant as the days go on, but each night she is disappointed.

Al comes home every night completely hammered and unfit for sexual activity. One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated provocatively on the sofa, wearing the skimpiest dress she has, suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace panties and bra.

As is always the case, Al comes home runs upstairs, gets ready and goes to the pub. Once again Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to console herself. Then at 11 pm (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway and opening the front door. Louise re-adopts her sexually provocative pose on the sofa and to her surprise, Al's first words are:

- Right woman, get upstairs - into the bedroom.

- YES! - she says under her breath as she runs upstairs:

- This is the night, I'm gonna get some!

When Louise reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on the edge of the bed in her black lace panties - ready for Al, as he stomps up the stairs. As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says:

- Right, now get your clothes off!

Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off with everything.

- Now get over in front of the mirror...

- Kinky! - she thinks.

- Great!

- and do a handstand...

- Oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages - thinks Louise...

Al walks over to Louise, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch...

- Perhaps the guys at the bar were right, a beard would suit me!

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him:

- I've kidnapped you.

She then wrote a note saying:

- I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said:

- How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

What do you call a dead athiest?
→ All dressed up and no place to go!

If there was an animal called Yabba Dabba, and if you decided keep it as a pet it your back yard, you will eventually step in Yabba Dabba Doo!