Worst jokes

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- I wannup.

- I wannup who?

- You do! I didn't need to know that!

Why does Hillary Clinton Wake Up At 5:30 Every Morning?
→ To Make Sure That She Is The First Lady!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volume up to 10!
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrasment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap anyway?"
15. Repeat number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a test drive.
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about 5 feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner, look mesmorized and say, "Wow, Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet FLoor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows form bed and bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Puopon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin- -to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things into the neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they spell "hello" upside down.
29. When some one asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hire employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible"
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphebetize" the CD's in electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When some one steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it wiithout saying a word.
47. Relax in the pation furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

A few weeks before Christmas a very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls.

It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part, but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss could not control his laughter and said:

- Lady, I said to give each doll Two ---- "Test" ---- Tickles.

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

- Hey kid! - the farmer says:

- where ya goin' with that wire?

- Well - the kid drawls:

- this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!

- You can't catch chickens with chicken wire! - says the farmer.

- Sure I can! - the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

- Hey kid! - the farmer yells:

- where ya goin' with that tape?

- Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape - says the kid:

- this here's duck tape. I'm fixin' to catch me some ducks!

- You can't catch ducks with duck tape! - says the farmer.

- Sure I can! - the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid has a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.

The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comes walking down the road carrying a stick.

- Hey kid! - the farmer says:

- where ya goin' with that stick?

- Well, this here ain't just any old stick - says the kid:

- this here's pussy willow.

- Hang on - says the farmer:

- I'll get my hat!

Daffynition: Hummingbird - A bird who forgot the lines to a song!

The head nun at the convent says:

- I found a pair of men's underwear under my desk!

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes:

- Heh, heh, heh...

She says:

- And I found a used condom on my desk!

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes:

- Heh, heh, heh...

She says:

- And there was a huge tear in the condom!

One nun gasps, but twenty nuns go:

- Heh, heh, heh.

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

- Dwayne.

- Dwayne who?

- DWAYNE THE TUB! I'M DWOWNING!

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Ketchup.

- Ketchup who?

- Catch up with me and I'll tell you!

True story: A friend's mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently:

- Gee, officer, did you pull me over to give me a ticket to the policemen's ball?

To that, he replied:

- No ma'am. We're Rangers! We don't have any balls! He continued to write down some information.

After about a half a minute, the ranger looked up, turned red, and muttered:

- Never mind. He closed his ticket book, got in his car, and drove off - no ticket was issued.