Worst jokes

What happens when you give Viagra to a Lawyer?
→ He gets taller!

Why are felines the best ever animals?
→ Because they're purrrrrrrfect and grrrrrreat!

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate:

- Bring me my red shirt!

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed:

- Bring me my red shirt!

And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked:

- Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted:

- If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid. The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed:

- Bring me my brown pants!

A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph when he saw the flashing red and blue lights.

Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he accelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense and pulled over to the side. The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a word. He looked at the driver and said:

- I've had a tough shift and this is my last pullover. I don't feel like doing anymore paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!

The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a reply.

- Last week my wife ran off with a cop - he said:

- and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

- Off you go - said the officer.

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says:

- Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?

He says:

- You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!

My father and mother were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. While cutting the cake, my mother was moved after seeing my father's eyes fill with tears. Mother took his arm, and looked at him affectionately.

- I never knew you were so sentimental - she whispered.

- No, no - he said, choking back his tears:

- that's not it at all.

Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?

- Yes - my mother replied.

- I remember it like yesterday.

- Well - said my father:

- today I would have be a free man!

Redneck's Ode to a Valentine

Kudzu is green.
My Dog's name is Blue.
And I'm so danged lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk,
A-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

Yo're as graceful as okry
jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yore as fragrant as Mountain Dew
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth
For which I am proud.
I hold my head high
When we's in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well I'm in hawg heaven.
I'm plumb out of my wits.

And speakin' of wits,
You got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you are my woman.
I can't ask fer more.

Like a good roll of Duct Tape
Yo're there for yore man
To patch up life's toubles
And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud.
Yet fragile as that singer
Named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a Junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
On which I oft treat.

Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like my Rattletrap Shad.
(A fishing lure.)

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete.
There ain't nothin' I lack.

Yore complexion's perfection
Like the best vinly sidin',
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
I won't put you on blocks
and let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a cold RC drank.
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day.
They git it at Wal-Mart.
It's romatic that way.

Some men, they git roses
On that special day
From a coller at Food World.

- That's impressive - I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.

- A diamond's forever - They explain, suave and couth.

But for this feller, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You old sweet thang, you.

I got you a gift without taste nor odor.
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor.

Redneck Driver's License Application...

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________
First name: [] Billy-Bob [] Bobby-Sue [] Billy-Joe [] Bobby-Jo [] Billy-Ray [] Bobby-Ann [] Billy-Sue [] Bobby-Lee [] Billy-Mae [] Bobby-Ellen [] Billy-Jack [] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: []M []F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [] Farmer [] Mechanic [] Hair Dresser [] Waitress [] Un-employed [] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse: [] Sister [] Aunt [] Brother [] Uncle [] Mother [] Son [] Father [] Daughter [] Cousin [] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [] 5th grade [] 6th grade
Do you [] own or [] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___
Total number of vehicles you own ___
Number of vehicles that still crank ___
Number of vehicles in front yard ___
Number of vehicles in back yard ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [] Yes [] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack? [] Yes [] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [] The National Enquirer [] The Globe [] TV Guide [] Soap Opera Digest [] Rifle and Shotgun [] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe: [] Weekly [] Monthly [_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth: [] Yellow [] Brownish-Yellow [] Brown [] Black [_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [] Red-Man [] Skoal
How far is your home from a paved road? [] 1 mile [] 2 miles [_] don't know

A Little Boy Comes Running Into The Room and Says:

- Grandpa! Grandpa! Can You Make A Sound Like A Frog?

The Grandpa says:

- I Don't Know, Why?

The Little Boy Says:

- Because Grandma Says As Soon As You Croak, We Can Go To Disneyland!