Worst jokes

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

- Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.

- You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.

- Is there anything which your holiness desires?

- Well, yes, I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. - the Pope replied.

Are there perhaps any transcripts which recorded the Actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, with-out the dimming of memories over time.

Saint Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled down to review the History of man's relationship with God.

Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library. Immediately several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and over:

- There's an 'R', there's an 'R' -- it's celibRate!

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them... "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

A lady says to her doctor:

- My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything.

The doctor examines her, and then says:

- You need an operation.

She asks:

- On my vagina?

He says:

- No. On your nose!

A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world.

- Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map?

Tony shows him America.

- Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America?

- Lisa: Tony did!!

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says:

- You have to take a Breathalyzer test.

The guy says:

- I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit.

The cop says:

- Then I have to give you a blood test.

The guy says:

- You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place.

The cops says:

- Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line.

The guy says:

- I can't.

The cop says:

- Why not?

The guy says:

- Because I'm drunk you idiot... didn't you see the way I was driving!

Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships?
→ So the sailors can see their air force!

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter.

- I would like a loan of £30,000 please. - he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack.

- Thirty thousand pounds? That's a lot of money, you know. - says Paddy:

- You'll need a collateral for that amount of money.

- That's okay - says the frog:

- I have this.

And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant.

- What's this? I can't accept this as collateral.

- Don't worry - says the frog:

- I know the manager, he's a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here.

Paddy gets up from his chair and goes to the manager's office, taking the little pink elephant with him. He shows it to the manager and says:

- There's a frog out there says he knows you, his name is Kermit Jagger. He want to borrow £30,000... he gave this as collateral... what on earth is it?

The manager takes the little elephant, studies it for a second and says:

- It's a nick-nack Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone.

How do you castrate a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the mouth!

How did a Blonde try to kill a bird ??
→ She through it out of the window !!

- Boy #1: Hey! Didja know that my grandfather was once face-to-face with a panther?

- Boy #2: That's nothing! My granny was once face-to-face with a lion! It was drooling...coming closer...closer...

- Boy #1: Gosh! What'd she do?

- Boy #2: She moved away from the cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!