Worst jokes

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason.

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy.

- Woman: You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then why aren't you leaving me alone?

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

- Man: Haven't we met before?

- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

- Man: Is this seat empty?

- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

- Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?

- Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

- Man: Your place or mine?

- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?

- Woman: It's in the phone book.

- Man: But I don't know your name.

- Woman: That's in the phone book too.

- Man: So what do you do for a living?

- Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

- Man: What sign were you born under?

- Woman: No Parking.

- Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

- Woman: Do not Enter

- Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

- Woman: Unfertilized !

- Man: Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason

- Woman: Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!

- Man: I know how to please a woman.

- Woman: Then please leave me alone.

- Man: I want to give myself to you.

- Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

- Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

- Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

- Man: Your body is like a temple.

- Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

- Man: I'd go through anything for you.

- Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

- Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

- Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

- I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton

- I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne

- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner

- He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant - Carol Leifer

- I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman

- I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne

- I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? - Wendy Liebman

- I think-therefore I'm single - Lizz Winstead

- Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. - Hedy Lamarr

- When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler

- I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. - Gilda Radner

- Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

- Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel. - Bella Abzug

- In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher

- I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem

- Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. - Gloria Steinem

- Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. - Katharine Hepburn

- I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. - Marie Corelli

- If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee

- I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.

He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.

Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.

He looks down, sees a snail there.

The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands:

- WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

A man calls his lawyers office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.

The receptionist replies:

- I'm sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week.

The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor. The receptionist says:

- Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died.

The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.

The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer. The receptionist gets angry and says:

- Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?

The man then answers:

- I like hearing good news when I call my lawyers office.

Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, "HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?!".. and one of the guys says, "the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE"

What is Monica's favorite chinese food?
→ Cream of sum young guy.

What did the salad say when the cabbage interrupted their meal?
→ Lettuce alone!

In the United States alone, there are over 10,000 cases of battered women.

And to think... all this time, I have been eating mine plain!

What goes "errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh"?
→ A blonde at a blinking red light!