Worst jokes

Jesus and Satan have an extended argument as to who is the better computer programmer. Finally, they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin programming. Typing furiously for several hours, they enter lines of code streaming across the screen.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest has ended.

God asks Satan to show what he has done. Satan is visibly upset and cries:

- I have done nothing! The power outage destroyed all of my work!

- Very well, then - says God, let us see how Jesus fared.

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid displays of 3-D color. The voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is stunned and stutters:

- But how?! How did he do that?!

God chuckles:

- Jesus Saves!

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
→ "We'd better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts!!"

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.

- Listen to this - he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.

- Yeah - his wife nodded, and it has your weight wrong, too!

Why did the blonde have lipstick on her stearing wheel?
→ She was trying to blow the horn!

How does the brain communicate with the nerves?
→ With a Cell phone!

Clinton and Gore went to a diner to get a bite to eat.

A good looking waitress comes up and asks:

- Can I take your order?

Clinton says:

- Yes, I like a quickie!

She turns a little red and say:

- Sir, in your present state of affairs I don't think you should even be suggesting something like that. I will come back when you are ready to order from the MENU!

As she walks away Gore leans over and says:

- Bill, its pronounced quiche.

I took one of those viagra tablets the other day, it got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for about eight hours!

January 1, 2000

Dear (enter employee name here)

Re: Vacation Pay

Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.

One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.

Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing

I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and:

- sir do you have a extra $20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $1000.00. I have $980.00 and just need the last $20.00

Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.

Well the man replied:

- No sir... I have money for gambling.

There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.

After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man:

- What are you staring at?

- Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.