I chanced to pass a windowWhile walking through a mallWith nothing much upon my mind,Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that windowA cranky-faced old man,And why he looked so crankyI didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that wayWas more than I could seeUntil I came to realizeThat cranky man was ME!
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.
"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."
To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."
These are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.6. Its best for employers that I not work with people.7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments.13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.22. Marital status: often. Children: various.23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
A: Write 'pp, espressivo'.
Theorem: 1 + 1 = 2Proof:n(2n - 2) = n(2n - 2)n(2n - 2) - n(2n - 2) = 0(n - n)(2n - 2) = 02n(n - n) - 2(n - n) = 02n - 2 = 02n = 2n + n = 2or setting n = 11 + 1 = 2
What's a glow worms favorite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre?
A spinning wheel!
What did the spider say to the fly?
We're getting married do you want to come to the webbing?
What kind of doctors are like spiders?
Spin doctors!
