Worst jokes

What is Bill Clinton's favorite web browser?
→ Microsoft Intern Exploiter

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
→ Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club."

One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.

The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek. Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that?

I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home!

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctor's only to find he didn't have long to live. So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate.

1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer

- Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor. Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave.

After the man passed on, the 3 people happened to run into each other. The doctor said:

- I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money, he owed me on lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.

The priest said:

- I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It's all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave.

Well, the lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing:

- I am surprised at you two taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!

A patient says to his doctor:

- Hey, Doc! I've been getting these migraines for a long time now! I can't think straight! I need help!

Doctor says to patient:

- You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!

... next day... patient says:

- Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!

Doctor says:

- Oh really? That's good to hear!

Patient says:

- Oh by the way,

- You've got a great house!

Two old guys, like 80 yrs. old, went to a whore house and told the woman at the door that they wanted the two most beautiful whores.

The woman was like, they're old, what are they gonna know. So she sticks them in the two darkest rooms with blow-up dolls.

After they were done, they were walking out of the whore house and old guy #1 says to old guy #2:

- How was your whore?

- She was horrible. She just laid there like she was dead. Well, how was your whore?

- She was a witch.

- What do you mean a witch?

- I bit her tit and she flew out the window!

Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty. A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck:

- My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?

On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says:

- Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!

How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ 10.

- 1 to release a beta version

- 1 to complete the documentation

- 1 to test for hardware compatibility

- 1 to deny tech support

- 1 to configure the TCP/IP

- 1 to check for y2k compliance

- 1 to program the software to be compatible with the other software

- 1 to approve the invoice for the ladder

- 1 to change the bulb.

(That's nine because there's always one more thing you need.)

Why do Walruses go to Tupperware parties?
→ To find a tight Seal.