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A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following:

- Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.

- You fowl-mouthed swine - retorted the lady indignantly.

- In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!

- Hey, coola down lady - said the man

- Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.

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Grandpa is running around in the nursing home with his privates hanging out of his pants screaming:

- My penis just died, my penis just died!

The nurses calm him down, and he goes back to his room. The next day, grandpa is running around again with his privates hanging out, so the nurse asks him:

- I thought you said yesterday that your penis died. What happened?

Grandpa replies:

- Yes, it did... but today is the viewing!

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Guy goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check.

- I've got good news and bad news, which do you want first?

- Good news first.

- OK, You got 24 hours to live

- Dang, whats the bad news!

- I shoulda' told you yesterday!

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At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:

- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
  2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
  3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
  4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
  5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
  6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
  7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
  8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
  10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
  11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
  12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
  13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
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A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT:
Assume you drive your car at light speed. What happens when you turn on the head lights?

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