Instrument Jokes — most viewed jokes

Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare.

Mozart: The Magic Tuba.

Puccini: La Bamba.

Rossini: The Plumber of Seville.

Verdi: Rigatoni.

At a concert hall one night, the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a viola player having a fight.

He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was about.

The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my big solo when he broke my reed!"

"Well?" says the stage manager to the viola player. "What do you say to that?"

In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!"

What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
→ A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

What do you do with percussionists that lose one of their drumsticks?
→ Stick them up front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!

How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Seven. [Indignant nose upturning] Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants?
→ They've had little use.

What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
→ A new age song.

What happens if you sing country music backwards?
→ You get your job and your wife back.

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
→ When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.

Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship together.

"Help!" cried the cellist, "I can't swim!"

"Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."

How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"

What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
→ Bach in the saddle again.

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.

How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.

How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.

Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
→ Because he's Haydn!

What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
→ A Chopin Liszt.

What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
→ A pair of Re-bachs.

What do you call a male quartet?
→ Three men and a tenor.

While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"

"That you kill me first."

Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov, "Where are we?"

Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"