Bar Jokes — most viewed jokes

There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.. this is how their conversation went.

- Guy 1: Yah.. I'm originally from Dublin, Ireland

- Guy 2: REally?! Me too!

- Guy 1: I went to O'Malley Highschool.

- Guy 2: I did too! What year did you graduate?

- Guy 1: 1988!

- Guy 2: Same here!

A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didnt know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew eachother.

The bar tender replied:

- Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again.

A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom. The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them. He asks the first duck:

- What's your name?

- Huey - replies the duck. So, how's your day been?

- Oh, I've had a great day - replies Huey. I've been in and out of puddles all day.

The bartender asks the second duck:

- What's your name?

- Duey - replies the duck. So, how's your day been?

- Oh, I've had a great day - replies Duey. I've been in and out of puddles all day.

The witty bartender says to the third duck:

- So I guess your name is Louie?

The duck replies:

- No, I'm Puddles.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream echo's through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. The bartender yells:

- What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!

The drunk responds:

- I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.

The bartender opens the door and looks in:

- You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has a burlap sack and a little guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano. The guy that walked into the bar asks the man:

- What's in the bag?

The man pulls out a genie lamp. The guy says:

- Wow! Can I have one of your wishes?

The man says:

- I don't know. Rub the lamp and see.

So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says:

- You may have one wish.

The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says:

- Your wish is granted, - and goes back into the genie bottle.

Just then one million ducks walk into the bar. The guy says:

- I didn't wish for a million ducks.

The man replies:

- Yeah, and I wished for a twelve inch pianist.

One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.

Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read:

- I spit in my beer.

When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer:

- I spit in your beer, too!

A woman goes into a bar and orders a beer. She grabs the beer and tips it down the back of her skirt. The barman looks amazed as she orders another and again tips it down her skirt.

Finally, the barman says:

- Why are you tipping your drinks down your skirt?

- Well - the chick replies - I've just won the lottery and this is the only arsehole I'm shouting!

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down. The first vampire says, "I'd like a pint of blood." The second vampire says, "I'd like a pint of blood, too." Then the third vampire says, "I'd like a pint a plasma." Then the bartender says, "OK, so let me get this straight, you want two bloods and a blood light?"

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers like there's a telephone in his hand, then puts his palm up against his cheek and begins talking. Suspicious, the bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, "You don't understand. I'm very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular." The bartender says "Prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "I would never have believed it!" "Yeah", said the guy, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?" The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room to check on the guy. The guy is spread-eagled up against the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. "Oh my god!" said the bartender. "Did they rob you? Are you hurt?" The guy turns and says: "No, no, I'm ok. I'm just waiting for a fax."

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman each order a Guiness in a pub. Upon being served, each finds a fly in their beer. Repulsed, the Englishman sends his back. The Scotsman gently flicks the fly out of his mug and begins drinking. The Irishman, carefully lifts the fly up by its wings and screams:

- Spit it out! Spit it out!

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three glasses of Guiness, drinking them one at a time. Noticing this odd ritual, the bartender explains that the beer goes flat when poured and informs the man his beer would be much fresher if he ordered one glass at a time.

The Irishman explains he began this custom with his two brothers, who have moved to America and Australia, respectively. This is their way of remembering all the time they spent drinking together.

The man becomes a regular at the pub, well-known for always ordering three beers at once. One day he walks in and orders only two beers. Assuming the worst, a hush falls among other patrons.

When the Irishman returns to the bar to order his second round, the bartender quietly offers his condolences. The man looks confused for a moment, and then explains:

- No, everyone's fine. I gave up beer for lent.