Random joke from this category
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied:
- Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.
- Well, - replied the man, - she must have had a lot of friends.
- Nope, - said the farmer, - we all just want to buy his mule.
A blonde decided that she was tired of her empty life. She cut her hair and dyed it brown, and set off for a drive. She wanted to do random acts of kindness to see if it would change her life.
While driving through the countryside, she came across a farmer who was trying to get his sheep across the road. She stopped her car and waved the farmer across, thinking this would be her first good deed.
After the sheep had all crossed, the blonde said to the farmer:
- your sheep are so cute. If I guess how many there are, could I have one.
The farmer thought it impossible and told the blonde it was okay.
- 637 - said the blonde.
The farmer was amazed that the blonde had guessed the exact number, but lived up to his bargain.
- I'll take that feisty one over there - said the blonde.
Then the farmer said to the blonde:
- Okay, now if I guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:
- Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?
To which the farmer replied:
- Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher:
- You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!
The old rancher replied:
- Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.
- Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs? - she asked.
- Yeth. - lisped the farmer.
Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:
- Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs.
The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
- Pa, the chickens got loose - the boy confessed sadly - but I managed to find all twelve of them.
- Well, you did real good, son - the farmer beamed.
- You left with seven.
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
- Let's have a party, Homer - she suggested.
- Let's kill a pig.
The farmer scratched his grizzled head.
- Gee, Ethel - he finally answered - I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.
An old farmer is driving down a country road in his pickup truck when it starts making an awful noise. He stops the truck and crawls underneath to investigate the problem.
- Hmmm...muffler's loose. I bet I could fix that if I had a Monkey Wrench. - He says.
He crawls out from underneath the truck and looks down the road. Off in the distance he sees a small house. There is a black woman and several small black children playing in the yard.
The Farmer yells to her:
- Hey Miss, do you happen to have Monkey Wrench?
- What? - She yells back.
- A Monkey Wrench!!? - He screams.
- What?
- MONKEY WRENCH!!?... MONKEY WRENCH!!?
- Naw, this ain't no Monkey Ranch, its a Day Care Center!
A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron.
He turned to her and said:
- This is a special day, I'm celebrating.
- What a coincidence - said the woman.
- I'm celebrating, too. She clinked glasses with him and asked:
- What are you celebrating?
- I'm a chicken farmer - he replied.
- For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile.
- What a coincidence - the woman said.
- My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile? - she asked.
- I switched cocks - he replied.
- What a coincidence - she said.
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.
- Who's the boss around here? - he asked.
- I am. - said the man.
- I have a black horse and a brown horse - the farmer said - which one would you like?
The man thought for a minute and said:
- The black one.
- No, no, no, get the brown one. - the man's wife said.
- Here's your chicken. - said the farmer.
