Clean Jokes — most viewed jokes

What is the difference between a wicker basket and a wicker box?
→ A wicker basket is what little red riding hood took to grandma's house.
→ A wicker box is what Elmer Fudd did to little red riding hood.

Why did the nurse go to art school?
→ To learn how to draw blood!

What is white and flies across the sky?
→ The coming of the Lord.

What do you call a 100 spiders on a tyre?
→ A spinning wheel!

Why are spiders like tops?
→ They are always spinning!

What is defference between man and Superman?
→ Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.

Where do ants go for their holidays?
→ Frants!

What do you call an ant who skips school?
→ A truant!

What do you get if you cross some ants with some tics?
→ All sorts of antics!

What do you call a greedy ant?
→ An anteater!

Why did the elephant put his trunk across the path?
→ To trip up the ants!

What is even bigger than an elephant?
→ A giant!

What do you call an ant in space?
→ Cosmonants & Astronants!

What do you call an ant from overseas?
→ Impartant!

What medicine would you give an ill ant?
→ Antibiotics!

What is smaller than an ant's dinner?
→ An ant's mouth!

What did the confused bee say?
→ To bee or not to bee!

What's black, yellow and covered in blackberries?
→ A bramble bee!

What do bees do if they want to use public transport?
→ Wait at a buzz stop!

What is the bees favorite film?
→ The Sting!

What goes hum-choo, hum choo?
→ A bee with a cold!

What's a bee-line?
→ The shortest distance between two buzz-stops!

What is a baby bee?
→ A little humbug!

What do bees chew?
→ Bumble gum!

What does a bee say before it stings you?
→ This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you!

What kind of bee can keep an aeroplane dry?
→ An aero-drone!

What do elves learn in school?
→ The Elf-abet!

What's the most popular wine at Christmas?
→ "I don't like sprouts!"

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
→ Missletoe!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
→ Frostbite.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
→ Because he had low elf esteem.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
→ So he can ho-ho-ho.

Where do polar bears vote?
→ The North Poll.

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
→ Ribbon hood.

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
→ Because it's to far to walk.

What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
→ Forty feet of track - all straight!

What kind of bird can write?
→ A PENguin.

How does Al Gore's household keep Christmas politically correct?
→ On Christmas morning, they give the presents TO the tree.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
→ Sandy Claus!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
→ Fleece Navidad!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
→ North Polish.

Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage?
→ Because it has long-distance runners on each side.

What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
→ Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
→ Crisp Cringle.

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?
→ We'll have a boo Christmas without you.

What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?
→ Okay everyone, sack time!!

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
→ Snowflakes.

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?
→ A subordinate claus.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
→ He wanted to sleep like a log.

Why did Santa spell Christmas N-O-E?
→ Because the angel had said, "No L!"

What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh?
→ Santa caught in a revolving door!

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve?
→ Because it "soots" him!

What do you do if Santa gets stuck in your chimney?
→ Pour Santa flush on him.

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gambel?
→ Its true . . . Comet cleans sinks!

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
→ Claustrophobic.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
→ Because every buck is dear to him.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?
→ Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

What was so good about the neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
→ It was wound up already.

What's a good holiday tip?
→ Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

What kind of money to polo bears use?
→ Ice lolly!

Have you ever hunted bear?
→ No, but I've been shooting in my shorts!

How do you start a teddy bear race?
→ Ready, teddy, go!

What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
→ A bear faced lyre!

Why do bears have fur coats?
→ Because they'd look stupid in anoraks!

What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
→ A teddy boar!

What should you call a bald teddy?
→ Fred bear!

What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
→ A little bear!

What's yellow, comes from Peru, and is completely unknown?
→ Waterloo Bear, Paddington Bear's forgotten cousin!

What do you get if you cross a skunk with a bear?
→ Winnie the Pooh!