Comedian Jokes — most viewed jokes

I had my appendix removed. There was nothing wrong with it, I just did it as a warning to the other organs in my body to shape up or they're out of there.

Charlie Viracola

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator temporarily out of order" sign, just "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Mitch Hedberg

Do you ever get the vuja day feeling? Not deja vu. This is vuja day: the strange feeling that none of this has ever happened before.

George Carlin

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

George Carlin

I never actually grasped the whole "Trick or treat" ultimatum.

Giving candy to grateful, adorable children or receiving a bag of flaming animal excrement on your doorstep - is this a choice?

Jerry Seinfeld

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Mitch Hedberg

My HMO is terrible. They charge me for a self-examination.

It's a flat fee.

Wendy Liebman

The IRS says they can't give back 80 million dollars in refunds because they don't have addresses for the taxpayers. Yeah, they can't find you when they owe YOU money.

Jay Leno

The EPA is conducting a $700,000 dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

Jay Leno