Random joke from this category
Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.
A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper.
She collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is.
The local person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."
When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed, "Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"
The other replied, "I don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat his high E was at the end?"
Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.
However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house.
However, the wind from these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had to tie them down to the note holders.
The din from the ventilators was so bad that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got royally drunk.
Two of the bassists got so drunk that they pass out.
One of the violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell.
Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.
There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out popped a genie.
"For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician than I am now."
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out popped the genie.
"You have two more wishes!" he said.
"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out came the genie.
"This is your last wish." the genie said.
"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 1994
How do you make him stop playing?
→ Put notes on it!
What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
→ Pick on someone your own size!
What's the definition of a minor second?
→ Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
→ Counterpoint.
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
→ Give him a sheet of music.
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".
What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
→ Would you like fries with that?
What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
→ Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
→ You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
So this trumpet player dies. When he reaches his everlasting reward, the guy in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums."
"Wow!" the guy says, "I never imagined heaven would be this good."
The man in the robe says, "This is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."
A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told that he is dead.
The musician calls back 25 times more and gets the same message from receptionist.
She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear you say it."
