Instrument Jokes — most viewed jokes

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
→ Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.

How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
→ Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
→ Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.

What's the definition of a gentleman?
→ Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.

What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
→ A trombone will bend before it breaks.

There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be surmised from this?
→ The frog's probably on its way to a gig.

Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that the sheep story also works.

Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.

How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
→ He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive lineman?
→ Stage makeup.

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
→ Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.

Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower end of the scale.
→ She was known as the deep C diva.

What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
→ The baritone.

What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
→ About 10 pounds.

How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
→ When the other tenors notice.

Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors could tell?

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for him."

What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
→ "I didn't wake up this morning..."

- Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realize that he can never sing again.

- Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realize it.

Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
→ Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing lessons?
→ I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. They can't get up that high.

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Get the drummer to do it.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.

How do you get five oboes in tune?
→ Shoot four of them.

What are burning oboes used for?
→ To set bassoons on fire.

Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
→ Because most oboes are full of holes.

How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
→ Steal his batteries.

A harp is a nude piano.

A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
→ Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

The origin of the bagpipes was being discussed and the representatives of different nations were eagerly disclaiming responsibility for the instrument. Finally, an Irishman said, "Well, I'll tell you the truth about it. The Irish invented them and sold them to the Scots as a joke; and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!"

Why are girls like pianos?
→ When they're not upright, they're grand...

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
→ The bow is moving.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
→ Sit in the back and don't play.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
→ Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
→ A viola burns longer.

Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
→ It is usually still in the case.

What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
→ Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
→ They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.

Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
→ Both are offensive and inaccurate.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
→ Put it in a viola case.

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
→ Terrorists have sympathizers.

Why don't violists play hide and seek?
→ Because no one will look for them.

Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
→ Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're missing.

What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
→ One is far more painful to your ears.

What's the name of a good English horn player?
→ I'll tell you when I meet one.

How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.

Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
→ Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.

All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.

Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or 3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321

Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621

Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111

Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321

The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621

Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."